Thank God for the internet. To be more precise, thank God for email. I say this because were it not for email I wouldn’t have found out how many women miss me. Not only do they miss me, they love me. And wait, it gets better. Not only do the love me, they want to have sex with me, the sooner the better. So many women have reached out to me lately I don’t even know what to say. Well, let me be honest with you, there is a serious problem and the problem is mine. My memory is failing. In fact, when it comes to these women, I think it’s gone. I can’t remember any of them!
Last week I got an email from Svetlana, a Russian woman who has a real hankering to spend time with me because she misses me. Hi Peterkahrmann, remember me? I remember you, how beeutiful you are. We were together remember? I rite you beefor. I am your 23 old beautey. Please write soon we can hook up… Wow! Okay, clearly she’s not a linguist but oh boy she sounds salacious. I didn’t write back because I don’t remember who the hell she is.
Then there’s Adelita. I get an email from her every week (if not more). She is persistent and misses me and tells me we know each other in our souls and she is Hot and smexy for me. I am your Mexican mamacita! Te deseo! Te deseo! Te deseo! I can’t remember her either!
Let me tell you, this amnesia business is losing me a lot of intimate moments. I’ve got a call into my doctor to see if there’s anything that can be done about my failing memory. I am somewhat baffled about the fact they’re all in their twenties. I’m 60 and I’ve got to tell you, I can’t remember being in a relationship in which I was 35 to 40 years older than the woman. But I’m willing to make an effort and try to remember.
Last month, for some reason, women who know me and miss me and love me wrote me emails because they know how kind and generous I am. These poor women have all fallen on hard times – at the same time! For some reason beyond my understanding all their emails begin with, Hello dear… Their memories are clearly better than mine: it seems I am wealthy. I completely forgot. So completely, I still can’t remember my wealth, all my money. I can’t even remember where I put it! I’m depressed.
Bad memory aside, I must say I was truly moved by one email last month. Hello dear, (Always with the hello dear) I send you blessings dear man of kindness. In too weks (Another linguist.) I will inheirt many dollars from my dear uncle. can you dear one send me money now? I send you account for receibing. Bless you dear one, God loves you I love you. Blessings always dear one. Not long after reading her email I was overcome with a wave of sadness. I realized she didn’t sign her name because her memory is worse than mine. Poor thing can’t remember her name.
Oh well. I suppose as long as I can remember my name I’m on the upside of things. I still feel pretty bad that I can’t remember all these women. Being forgotten can’t be any fun.