Leaps of Faith

I heard the following joke recently. A man falls down a deep hole that extends miles into the earth. He manages to stop his fall by grabbing onto a root with one hand. As he begins to tire he looks up at the small circle of light above him and yells, “Is there anybody up there?!” Suddenly a bright light from shines down and a deep voice says, “I am the Lord thy God. Let go of the root. I will save you.” The man pauses for a moment and then yells, “Is there anybody else up there?!”

Real leaps of faith, by any measure, are not easy. They often mean you’ll be holding hands with some gut ripping fear for a bit. Which is exactly what I felt this past Sunday when my landlords, a truly good and decent couple, informed me I would need to move out of the home I’ve been renting from them for nine years, in 30 days. It seems their marriage is coming to an end and the husband need to take up residence in the house.

I don’t need to tell you how frightening it is to lose your home. Home is far more than a physical thing. It is a spiritual, physical and emotional sanctuary.  Not so when you realize it is lost. Frightening for anyone, with an added degree of difficulty when the very part of your brain that allows you to manage emotion is damaged, which is where my damage is. The frontal lobe. And so for the first day I was pretty much incapacitated, difficulty speaking, trembling, hunched over, knowing what it was that was happening to me but unable to shake it and knowing too that that’s okay. Those disabling moments still grab me during the day – and night. We are all allowed our human experience, even when upsetting and unpleasant, and we make a mistake, albeit an understandable one, when we try to avoid the more unpleasant experiences of life.

I long ago learned that the only way to get through a terrifying or heartbreaking time is to give myself permission to go through it. In other words, allow the experience.

And so here I am with my three dogs hoping that I will be able to find a new home in time. I have already gotten a storage space and will begin to place things in storage and look for friends to watch my dogs for me if the worst happens and no new home shows up in time. I have been homeless in my life and the homeless monster is, even though I know intellectually it will not get me (I don’t think), bearing down on me with glistening hatred eyes.

There is one thing this experience will not take from me. My sobriety. One of the wonderful things about being sober is when all hell breaks loose in life, I can look the circumstances in the eye, snarl to myself, and say, You can’t take my sobriety.

Anyway, one day at a time. Keep the faith, even if doing so is a leap. It is for me right now.

And remember, it’s okay to be afraid, don’t let it scare you.

_______________________

 

HOMELESSNESS AND THE CHECKERED MUG

I am standing in my kitchen holding a white coffee mug with a checkered band and it gives me enormous strength. I am facing the possibility of homelessness and I can use all the strength I can get right now. I have been homeless before and know its merciless grip all too well. Now I face that stark reality again. I’ll get to why in a minute. But first, back to the mug with the checkered band.

I bought it one summer morning in 2001 while having breakfast with my mother Leona in California. She was dying of liver cancer and we both knew it.

My mother surrendered me for adoption seven days after I was born on October 2, 1953. We were reunited in Stamford Connecticut on January 8. 1987. By 2001 we had grown close and developed deep understanding that in many ways we mirrored each other. Those who knew us best said we each had uncanny levels of prescience, deep reserves of courage, and enormous compassion for all who have been brutalized in life. We were both deeply sentimental. Which is why, when we were having breakfast that morning, I asked the waitress if I could buy the cup I was using.

The waitress and my mother had been talking about cancer. My mother’s and someone the waitress knew. She said, “I’ll do you one better, wait her.” She went into the kitchen and soon returned with another mug in better condition tucked in a brown paper bag. “Just take it,” she said. Then, nodding towards the man behind the register she added, “That sonuvabitch will charge you an arm and a leg. Take it.”

As some of you know, I am in the process of applying getting back onto the disability rolls. My brain injury along with an ample supply of depression, agoraphobia and PTSD have taken there toll. A man I once worked for has been helping me keep my head above water until my disability kicks. However, without warning he let me know Saturday he can’t help me anymore. With no family to fall back on coupled with being in the midst of filing for disability, the situation is not good.

I spend much of my life helping others so believe me, the act of asking for help buckles my knees. But I must live the things I have taught others for more than two decades now: just because you feel hopeless does not mean there is no hope; just because you feel humiliated does not mean you are humiliated; just because you feel weak does not mean you are weak; and just because you feel it is weak to cry doesn’t mean crying is an act of weakness, else why is it so hard to do?

A friend of mine said, “Peter, you live a simple live. It’s not about extravagance.” She went on to say you are asking for help to keep a roof over your head, food in the refrigerator, your bills paid. She and others have urged me to ask for help and support here on the blog. Lest you think I am sitting quietly by, let me reassure you that is not the case.

I will be going to the Department of Social Service this week for emergency food stamps and support. If I am approved, I will only receive half the money towards my rent. I rent a modest home for $650 per month, have the attending car payment along with utilities and, of course, food, phone, electric and, God help us all, oil heat.

My life is about helping others survive. Now I am in a position to ask others to help me survive. Not an easy thing to do, but there is a reason they say pride goeth before a fall. I can tell you Iwould a lot better if you asked me for help. But I recognize this is a personal crisis. I also recognize I am only trying to keep myself alive and functioning to keep doing what I know I do best; help and advocating for others. I have spent the better half of my life doing that.

A lot of my readers don’t know me personally. But I have done my best to give you a glimpse of my life through the blog. I want to continue to be able to use this tool to write and give others hope. This will be impossible for me to do without the support of others. I am hoping some of you can send a donation to help me. In doing so I will be able to keep my home and pay the bills for food, heat, rent and electricity until the disability kicks in.

The donations can be made out to and sent directly to me at:

Peter Kahrmann
P.O. Box 19
Westerlo, NY 12193

I understand these are hard times for everyone. My basic belief though, is that people in general are good hearted and can be called upon in times of need. I honestly never thought I would be in this position to ask for help from my readers. If you are able to come to my aide I would deeply appreciate your generosity. I hope I will be able to give back to you as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Peter
____________________________________________________________________________________

SHEP AND THE PRIEST

As mentioned in an earlier post, I will be placing memoir excerpts in the blog as the writing of the memoir progresses. Here is an excerpt.

I am living with less than a handful of homeless boys around my age in an abandoned three story brick house on 53 Street in Brooklyn between Third and Fourth avenues. It is very late November when I take up my quarters there. I take a small room upstairs in the front of the house. It has a door that closes and working electricity. The other boys, none of whom I know, take up quarters downstairs. It is our circumstances that have drawn us together. We develop a bond and look out for each other. We are the neighborhood strays. I have just turned 18.

There is no running water in the house but we do find a cold water source in the dark damp unfinished basement. A pipe runs across the low ceiling of the basement and with one working tap. When turned on it releases an aggressive stream of ice cold water. I find a two-coil hotplate and a small dusty black and white TV in a closet. I bring them to my room. To my great joy they both work, kind of. The hot plate works wonderfully and when the two coils glow red they generate enough heat to keep my room nice and toasty. The TV gets only two channels; NBC on Channel 4 and WOR on Channel 9. This is good news because not only do I actually have a TV but Channel 4 has Johnny Carson and Channel 9 has the New York Rangers.

There is an old stained mattress that must have been for a cot that I drag into my room. My girlfriend, Lyn, brings me some blankets. I am sitting in my room nice and warm, instant coffee freshly made, watching the Rangers, smoking a cigarette, safe from the cold. I think it doesn’t get any better than this. There is the sound of movement outside the door. I pick up my knife, hold it pressed against my thigh and open the door. A broken-eared male German Shepherd is sitting there looking up at me. His tail sweeps back and forth across the dusty floor. He has no collar. He gives me a look, then walks past me into my room and curls up on the mattress.

I go downstairs to the other boys. “Hey, any you guys have a dog?”

One of them says, “That’s Shep, man. He’s a stray. Hangs around the neighborhood. Nice dog but he ain’t ours. Everybody knows him though. Smart fucking dog.”

Back in my room Shep is sleeping. I sit down next to him; he shifts his head onto my lap, gives my hand a lick, and falls back into sleep. I am remembering my Dad telling me that when he was a boy he and his brother had a male Shepherd Collie mix they both loved. His name was Shep.

Shep and I join lives and are pretty much inseparable. He stays by my side and at night keeps the rats and mice out of the room. There are a few occasions that first week when a rat or mouse runs across the room and me at night but Shep is all about rapid response and soon the intrusions stop. Shep is protection, warmth, friendship and a damned fine conversationalist, thank you very much. It is not long before he loves Johnny Carson and, like me, is a devoted fan of the New York Rangers. I think he likes Eddie Giacomin as much as I do, although I suspect he favors Rod Gilbert more than he lets on.

I learn that Shep is beyond smart. In fact, he’s brilliant. I say, “Go meet Lyn at the train,” and he takes off and when she comes out the train station a few blocks away, there he is waiting for her at the top step. Sometimes he walks her back when it’s very cold because I don’t have a winter coat. As soon as she is safe in the station he returns. The sound of him bolting up the stairs is the sound of reassurance.

I am trying to figure a way to get off the street. I call John Jay College where my Dad used to teach. A man that knew him comes to the phone. I tell him I’m living on the street and does he know anyone that can help me. He gives me the name of a priest he knows. I call the priest and go to see him the next day in the city. The priest is a man of medium build with snow white hair, blue eyes; it takes me only seconds to realize he is a genuinely kind man. He tells me he knows a good man from Long Island that, like me, had been through difficult times and has become a very successful general contractor. He says he is quite sure that when he tells the Good Man from Long Island about me he will help me. The priest takes me to lunch. The restaurant is warm and there is comfort in the shelter of a booth. We order coffee. I am afraid to ask for more so I slowly sip my coffee. “Thank you, father,” I say.

“You need to eat, my son,” he says.

I say a hard thing to say, “I don’t have any money, father.”

“That’s okay, son. You order anything you want. Anything particular you like?”

I can’t look up because he will see my wet eyes. I say, “Grilled cheese.”

“Do you now. Well, we are alike there, my son, I can tell you. I love grilled cheese, but I always need more than one sandwich, how about you?”

“One’s okay, father.”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I ordered two and you had one. That would be the height of unfairness, put things out of balance it would. I’ll order us both two and we’ll go from there. And some fries, I think we can use a plate of fries.”

I have to whisper my thank you because I know if my vocal cords move too much what self-control I have left will vanish and I will burst into tears here in this restaurant with a nice priest whose kindness overwhelms me. I am not surprised when the priest tells me this is one of the very rare times his eyes are bigger than his stomach. He asks me if I would be good enough to consider handling a third grilled cheese sandwich. I can.