OUTSIDE MY WINDOW

Outside my window the light leaves the day and the snow continues its slow retreat into the earth. My two dogs nest near my feet and the darkening grey-blue sky for reasons I don’t fully understand reminds me of the dangerous divide between humanity life and earth life, of humanity and nature. I think of how dishonesty and greed and the all too noticeable absence of compassion for our fellow human beings drives this divide even wider. It seems to me this divide, unless closed, seals our planet’s end, unless humankind, driven by its poisonous fuels, manages to hurry it’s end with violence.

I worry for the human family, so divided by borders, skin color, sexual preferences, religion, gender, wealth, poverty, language, custom and more. While leaders of nations may know each other the people in these nations are kept in their respective rooms, segregated, their voices tempered, ignored or annihilated.

I love mother earth. I love the sky. I love clouds and streams, rivers, lakes, oceans, mountains, the wind at night and the magnificence of thunder and the crackle-blaze glory of lightening. I love humanity and the idea of humanity. I love that there is laughter and the ability to sway with the intoxication of love. I love that music sends chills dancing on the spine and the nape of the neck. I love words that wet my eyes, words that run so deep they reach, touch, taste and tell on our very souls.

The light has left the day now; a lamp casts my writing table in a soft glow. There is a peace here in this moment, gratitude that I am alive to write these words whatever their worth. And, there is a joy knowing that tomorrow the sun will rise, tomorrow.

NO ONE IS LAUGHING

For the briefest of moments I thought I’d misheard, but I hadn’t. Sure enough, Congressman Rahm Emanuel (D-ILL) has cautioned freshman Democrats against appearing on Comedy Central’s Colbert Report. Last September the current speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, was quoted in Variety as saying, “I wouldn’t recommend anyone going on that show. Don’t subject yourself to a comic’s edit unless you want to be made a fool of.” Are you kidding me? You’re a politician!

I suggest Pelosi and Emanuel grow some skin. It is a comedy show, and I don’t know of anyone who lost an election because they went on a comedy show. Actually, it dawns on me that I am wrong. I owe Emanuel and Pelosi an apology. There is in fact a comedy show known world wide that actually does threaten every a politician’s ability to stay in office. It is a show of formidable design and size because unlike most comedies, it has three acts: Congress, the White House and the Justice Department.

Here’s the thing, Stephen Colbert is a brilliant comedian who gives many members of the American family some desperately needed (and deserved) comic relief; laughter, folks, laughter. There’s only one problem with the three act comedy in Washington D.C. No one is laughing.

SHEP AND THE PRIEST

As mentioned in an earlier post, I will be placing memoir excerpts in the blog as the writing of the memoir progresses. Here is an excerpt.

I am living with less than a handful of homeless boys around my age in an abandoned three story brick house on 53 Street in Brooklyn between Third and Fourth avenues. It is very late November when I take up my quarters there. I take a small room upstairs in the front of the house. It has a door that closes and working electricity. The other boys, none of whom I know, take up quarters downstairs. It is our circumstances that have drawn us together. We develop a bond and look out for each other. We are the neighborhood strays. I have just turned 18.

There is no running water in the house but we do find a cold water source in the dark damp unfinished basement. A pipe runs across the low ceiling of the basement and with one working tap. When turned on it releases an aggressive stream of ice cold water. I find a two-coil hotplate and a small dusty black and white TV in a closet. I bring them to my room. To my great joy they both work, kind of. The hot plate works wonderfully and when the two coils glow red they generate enough heat to keep my room nice and toasty. The TV gets only two channels; NBC on Channel 4 and WOR on Channel 9. This is good news because not only do I actually have a TV but Channel 4 has Johnny Carson and Channel 9 has the New York Rangers.

There is an old stained mattress that must have been for a cot that I drag into my room. My girlfriend, Lyn, brings me some blankets. I am sitting in my room nice and warm, instant coffee freshly made, watching the Rangers, smoking a cigarette, safe from the cold. I think it doesn’t get any better than this. There is the sound of movement outside the door. I pick up my knife, hold it pressed against my thigh and open the door. A broken-eared male German Shepherd is sitting there looking up at me. His tail sweeps back and forth across the dusty floor. He has no collar. He gives me a look, then walks past me into my room and curls up on the mattress.

I go downstairs to the other boys. “Hey, any you guys have a dog?”

One of them says, “That’s Shep, man. He’s a stray. Hangs around the neighborhood. Nice dog but he ain’t ours. Everybody knows him though. Smart fucking dog.”

Back in my room Shep is sleeping. I sit down next to him; he shifts his head onto my lap, gives my hand a lick, and falls back into sleep. I am remembering my Dad telling me that when he was a boy he and his brother had a male Shepherd Collie mix they both loved. His name was Shep.

Shep and I join lives and are pretty much inseparable. He stays by my side and at night keeps the rats and mice out of the room. There are a few occasions that first week when a rat or mouse runs across the room and me at night but Shep is all about rapid response and soon the intrusions stop. Shep is protection, warmth, friendship and a damned fine conversationalist, thank you very much. It is not long before he loves Johnny Carson and, like me, is a devoted fan of the New York Rangers. I think he likes Eddie Giacomin as much as I do, although I suspect he favors Rod Gilbert more than he lets on.

I learn that Shep is beyond smart. In fact, he’s brilliant. I say, “Go meet Lyn at the train,” and he takes off and when she comes out the train station a few blocks away, there he is waiting for her at the top step. Sometimes he walks her back when it’s very cold because I don’t have a winter coat. As soon as she is safe in the station he returns. The sound of him bolting up the stairs is the sound of reassurance.

I am trying to figure a way to get off the street. I call John Jay College where my Dad used to teach. A man that knew him comes to the phone. I tell him I’m living on the street and does he know anyone that can help me. He gives me the name of a priest he knows. I call the priest and go to see him the next day in the city. The priest is a man of medium build with snow white hair, blue eyes; it takes me only seconds to realize he is a genuinely kind man. He tells me he knows a good man from Long Island that, like me, had been through difficult times and has become a very successful general contractor. He says he is quite sure that when he tells the Good Man from Long Island about me he will help me. The priest takes me to lunch. The restaurant is warm and there is comfort in the shelter of a booth. We order coffee. I am afraid to ask for more so I slowly sip my coffee. “Thank you, father,” I say.

“You need to eat, my son,” he says.

I say a hard thing to say, “I don’t have any money, father.”

“That’s okay, son. You order anything you want. Anything particular you like?”

I can’t look up because he will see my wet eyes. I say, “Grilled cheese.”

“Do you now. Well, we are alike there, my son, I can tell you. I love grilled cheese, but I always need more than one sandwich, how about you?”

“One’s okay, father.”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I ordered two and you had one. That would be the height of unfairness, put things out of balance it would. I’ll order us both two and we’ll go from there. And some fries, I think we can use a plate of fries.”

I have to whisper my thank you because I know if my vocal cords move too much what self-control I have left will vanish and I will burst into tears here in this restaurant with a nice priest whose kindness overwhelms me. I am not surprised when the priest tells me this is one of the very rare times his eyes are bigger than his stomach. He asks me if I would be good enough to consider handling a third grilled cheese sandwich. I can.

DEAR BOB WOODRUFF

Dear Bob Woodruff,

You and I and far too many others are survivors of traumatic brain injuries. You and I and far too many others who have survived traumatic brain injuries, or any trauma for that matter, have found themselves in the insidious grip of guilt. You and I and far too many others like us are guilty of nothing. Because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you are guilty, it means that is how you feel. It is a feeling, not a definition.

It was the explosion the wounded you, it was the gunshot that wounded me, it was the car accident or the fall or the assault or the stroke that wounded so many others. It is these events and these events alone that provide guilt its just living quarters

In recent interviews I have watched you and Lee take the wide-open courage step of letting people see what it is like to suffer a traumatic brain injury and what it is like to live with one. I have heard questions seeking to know how far back you are. Would you say 95 % they ask? As you and Lee and your family already know, the answer is not that easy and my thought would be, put down any instinct to measure and gauge that answer and live.

I work with survivors like us nearly every day and recently I asked them how they would describe living with a brain injury on a daily basis. There were answers like, Well, there are things we can’t do any more and other statements like they (the injuries) make it harder to manage our emotions and I don’t remember things as well as I did and I can’t talk the way I used to. In each of these discussions these answers would land on the table and we would all look at each other, shake our heads, and nearly in unison acknowledge that none of these answers come close to describing what it is like to live with a brain injury on a daily basis.

Here is what we did agree on. Living with a brain injury is different every day. In fact, living with a brain injury has one reality when rested and another reality when fatigued. We also agreed that none of us are defined by our injuries nor are we defined by the symptoms we deal with as a result of our injuries. We also agreed that none of us are diminished by our injuries, even though there have been and, for some, still are times when we feel diminished because of our injuries. We also know that there are times we are treated by others as if we have less value and less worth than others and that treatment too delivers an inaccurate message about who we are.

Years ago a very wise old man was asked what it was like to age. He paused and said, We are each like a lit light bulb. You have to decide, are you the bulb, which breaks down over time, or are you the light inside the bulb? We are the light inside the bulb, and that never dies.

The light of who you are, Bob Woodruff, is not gone. It is not damaged or diminished by the trauma you have survived. While you may not see the light all the time, while you may not see its luster and brilliance all the time, it does not mean it is not there all the time. From time to time life blinds us to the light that is our humanity’s unbending value and worth. Those moments of darkness do not mean the light is gone. Darkness, like emotion, are experiences in the moment and of the moment. Neither are definitions. The inner light and human value of all survivors is present all time.

Needless to say, the words written here apply to all of us for all of us in life encounter experiences that blind us to our worth, yet none of these experiences remove or diminish our worth unless we allow them too.

There is a nugget of American Indian lore I am particularly fond of. A warrior went to his chief and said, Chief, I have two wolves battling inside me, the good wolf and the bad wolf. Which one is going to win? The chief said, Whichever one you feed the most.

Keep feeding the good wolf as you are, Bob Woodruff. And remember, there will be times when people will ask for your attention and your presence and the healthier choice will be to say no and give yourself and your loved ones time away from all others. Saying no can prompt another bout of undeserved guilt, so here is another expression. Taking care of your self is not an act of disloyalty to anyone else.

Stay in the day, remember to live, and keep listening to Bruce Springsteen. You and I are very much in lock-step when it comes to the Boss. His songs got me through many a dark day and helped me remember that the light, for me and for you and for all of us, really is always there.

In his last album he sings We Shall Overcome. We will.

Warmth and respect,

Peter S. Kahrmann