Monthly Archives: September 2009

In the Belly of Love

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Shiftin’ rhythms rockin through time

And I’m not trapped between part ways and maybes

Sweet lips ride the back of sweet tastin nights

Mean nothing ‘less your soul’s in the arms of mine

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New days come and new days go

And I’m not thinkin about main streets and highways

‘Cause magic rides in the belly of love

Turning softly wet sliding in skin to skin embrace

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Coffee in the morning on sunrise time

Shuffled blankets sunlight dancing on sleeping curves

I hear the soft sounds of love

A word we dream and tarnish and dream again

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The Roads Less Travelled

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John Steinbeck once wrote, “We are creatures of habit, a very senseless species.” He was right. We all get caught up in patterns and relationships in life that hold us back, that result in our taking part in life with one hand tied behind our back. We don’t do this consciously, so, when we notice these patterns, we are wise to treat ourselves (and each other) with kindness, not harsh judgment. After all, new beginnings, while often rewarding and wonderful, are inherently scary, at times terrifying.

Recently I got to contemplating a passage from the Robert Frost poem, “Road Less Travelled”, 

Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

and Henry David Thoreau’s words,

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.

Contemplating both passages brought me out of the darkness of indecision and led me into the sunshine of clarity. As a result, I have been able to make some changes that will free me to walk the roads less traveled. Both passages helped me to make these changes because when I read them, to myself or out loud, and then align them with those I admire most: Mandela, Elie Wiesel, Dr. King, Beethoven, Geronimo, Tolstoy, Teddy Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, Steinbeck, Rosa Parks, Dickens, my father and more, it is strikingly clear that all of them lived the lives they imagined. All of them took the roads less travelled.

New beginnings often are the roads less travelled and they are often the roads best taken.

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The Fortress of Don’ts

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Giving yourself permission to go ahead and  be who you really are is no easy task. In fact, I’d guess most people, at least in the culture I live in, never reach the mark. Not for lack of trying. I think all of us, whether we realize it or not, are instinctively trying to set ourselves free. But free of what, you might be asking? Free of all the voices who said, Don’t, when you dared to be you, more often than not when you were growing up. Don’ts are like bricks.  They can add up. Like bricks, they can become huge walls, held together by the mortar of judgment. Next thing you know, if in fact you ever do know, you are trapped in a Fortress of Don’ts held fast by the mortar of judgment and you can’t find your way out. Hell, you might even think there is no way out. But there is.

One thing I have learned in life it is this. The large majority of us in western culture rely on the opinions of others for our sense of worth, without meaning too, without malice, some believe their worth is located in the kind of car they drive, or the neighborhood they live in, or the designer of the clothes they wear. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with liking a particular car or a particular designer or wanting to live in particular neighborhood, but if these things become the foundation of  your self worth, you are standing on a foundation that doesn’t exist. And as long as you stand there, real happiness and real fulfillment is out of reach. Why? Because you can’t stand on a foundation that doesn’t exist and be you at the same time.

I’ve just begun reading a book called, “The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching”, written by Thich Nhat Hanh. Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk who now lives in France. While some of you may not have heard of him, someone you have heard of knew of him and deeply admired him. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. In fact, King nominated Hanh for the Nobel Peace Prize.

In the book, Hanh writes, The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you see no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy. When one tree in your garden is sick, you have to take care of it. But don’t overlook all the healthy trees. One of the phrases I teach is Remember to live. The two are joined, because both let you know that while we all have our struggles and difficulties and sufferings in life, the presence of beautiful things in life are there at the same time and you have a right to experience them. It is the Fortress of Don’ts that stops many of us from realizing this right. Outside the window near my writing table the day is beautiful. There is a breeze coming through the window that feels cleansing as it sweeps over me. If I allow myself to be defined by my current struggles and stresses, I will miss the beauty of the day and the cleansing of the breeze.

Now, you may well be asking (I know I would), how is remembering to live and not overlooking the healthy trees related to giving myself permission to be me? Good question. Because the Fortress of Don’ts begins to crumble when you remember to live. Why is this so? Because when you enjoy life in a truly healthy way you are being who you are. So, when you give yourself permission to see the healthy trees and rejoice in their presence, when you remember to live your life, the days are numbered for the Fortress of Don’ts.

I’m Tired of Goodbyes

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All of us deal with loss in life. Loss of loved ones whether through death or people going separate ways. We deal with loss of jobs, loss of physical or cognitive functioning for all kinds of reasons and so forth, loss of friends or, more often than not, people who said they were your friends and turn out to be, well, full of shit, even though you meant it.  Anyway, you get my point. 

Loss and the threat of loss has many faces. I have en ex-wife who deals with a rough medical condition that threatens her life. Knowing she is in this fight upsets my heart and soul so deeply there have been time I have cried my eyes swollen.  While our marriage ended, I will always love this woman for who she is. She has perhaps the most widely creative mind I’ve ever know and has a sense of humor that can shame many a comedian. I asked her once if she could find a way to let me know when we had entered the handful of days in the month when it was clear she was the shining image of perfection and I was all that was wrong with the world. She smiled and said she’d try and think of something. Not long after this I was sitting in bed reading one night. She came into the room carrying a huge carving knife, looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes, and said, “Still awake? I’ll be back.” The two of us burst into laughter.

I can’t speak for you but there are people who will always be deeply important to me. The woman I just talked about is one of them. Always she will be family in my heart.

Having said all this I should add that I have dealt with my fair share of loss. I think the singular biggest barrage of loss for me occurred in 1969 when my aunt, grandmother and father died in a matter of months and weeks after my father’s death I was placed in reform school and disowned by the family. Having been adopted, which along with the gift of a loving family, if you actually wind up in a family that loves you and shows it, leaves you with an abandonment button the size of Wyoming, the loss of my second family shattered my universe and ability to feel safe in it.  And so, today, I don’t take kindly to fly-by-night friendships and cast a wary eye on those who say they will always be my friend or always be there for me.

However, I find I have added a new layer of self-protection that I suppose is both poignant and humorous. My affection for fictional characters and the difficult I have when faced with losing them. I am, for instance, broken hearted that this is the last season of Monk. I love the man and will miss him. Recently I began watching and a series on Netflix called “Monarch of the Glen”.  I love this series and I am early in season two. But, like the complete ass I am more than capable of being, I went on the web to learn about the series and its upcoming seasons. To my horror, I learned that some cast members leave the series and new ones join the series. That’s all well in good but some of the characters that are leaving I love. Richard Briers plays the older laird and his character is so deliciously delightful he’d fit right in with Pickwick’s mates. Now that I know some are going to leave the show, I can’t get myself to keep watching. I don’t want to go through the loss.

And then there is this amazing detective series out of England called “Foyle’s War.” I am swept up in sadness now knowing I have watched all the episodes. In fact, I put off watching the last episode for weeks just to avoid having to say goodbye. I’m tired of goodbyes.

I must apologize to you, my reader, because this is a rather self-absorbed essay. Let me just tell you that if you say you love someone, mean it, and don’t flitter off like a speck of dust in a strong breeze the minute something doesn’t go your way. If you are thinking of adopting a child I think that is wonderful. Being adopted is how I met my father, the greatest gift life has ever given me. But don’t adopt a child unless you are rock solid sure of two things: that you will love the child and be loving too the child. Not being able or willing to express the love you have for a child inevitably translates into tragic results.

One last thing, I would appreciate it if you would get Monk to stay, Richard Brier to return to “Monarch of the Glen” and “Foyle’s War” to come up with more episodes.  Oh, and keep my ex-wife in your prayers. She is always in mine.

 

Remember to Live – Please

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There are no words in my language that can come close to describing the wounds sustained by the hearts and souls of so many in the human family on September 11, 2001. My eyes fill with tears simply writing that sentence. The carnage inflicted on so many lives, physically, emotionally and spiritually is beyond comprehension. The fact it is beyond comprehension is a good thing, a healthy thing. Above all things, remember to live your life. Life, including death, happens to all of us whether we like it or not. We do not have control over everything and we are living a myth if we think we do. However, we do have control over our choices, and it is this truth that can make your life flourish. Follow your dreams. Why not? If not now, when?

Some of us have met the presence of death, and in some cases, our own death, up close and personal. When you are in this experience, how much money you have in the bank, the type of car you drive, whether you are tall or short, famous or not, means nothing. What is real is who you are, and so much of who you are is built on the foundation of your life experiences. If you are falling in love or listening to music that makes your spirit soar or drinking that first cup of coffee in the morning or walking on the beach or bagging a summit, the fulfillment you feel comes from the experience itself, not from anything the culture defines as some kind of status symbol. In fact, the only thing status symbols lack is status. When someone reaches the summit of Everest, they are not thinking about who made their hiking gear, they are fully in moment, just where they’re supposed to be.

Remember to live your life, not the life others tell you to live, unless it coincides with what you want and fosters your ability to be you in the world. You are allowed to be who you are. I promise. Give love to the world you live in, and while you are at it, don’t forget to love you too.

Remember to live – please.