Always the Page

I suspect I am not alone in being a writer who finds comfort in knowing the page is always there. Sometimes intimidating, sometimes welcoming, it is ever present, and that, for me, is a good thing.

I’ve been riding the page for a long time now. Through good times and bad, times of gain, times of loss, new beginnings and gut wrenching ends, I keep riding the page,  a promise unbroken. 

On this page I can visit and leave, smile and frown; flip someone the bird when they’re letting me down, and so it goes when I’m riding the page, the promise stays unbroken.

The cuts from some expected and some not get cast to the side when riding the page because here stand the borders to me, the perpetual motion of thoughts to be said and feelings to be spoken.

Always the page, no matter the broken, always the page for dreams to be spoken.

 

My Man On The NYC Street

Okay, so you’re walking down a busy city street, a street crawling with people, traffic, noise, horns honking, people chattering, laughing, yelling, talking on cell phones, talking to other people, real and imagined, and you’re tired and you want so sit down for a rest. Where would you want to sit? How does the middle of the street suit you? Someone with too much time on his or her hands came up with that very idea in New York City. I’m not kidding.

On my recent trip to NYC I walked through a section of Manhattan where there were islands of pavement in the middle of the avenue where people were sitting at tables and some, to my utter astonishment, were sitting in folding chairs staring out into space, oblivious to the frenetic insanity swirling around them. Bless them, I couldn’t do it. On one side, cars drove past them and on the other side, bicyclists and pedestrians scurried by. Sidewalks be damned!
The whole thing struck me as surreal. I kept walking thinking that while I am glad I am living in the country, it was nice to visit my old home town and reacquaint myself with the fact there is something inherently charming, independent, and deliciously quirky about New York City folk.

I don’t remember what street I’d passed when I saw him. A man that looked to be in his late thirties, early forties, wearing a light colored suit and sitting in a folding chair in the center of one of the aforementioned islands. A man with a wonderful face rich with character. Something about him made him stand out, like something in a what’s wrong with this picture? illustration or, in this particular case, what’s right with this picture? What was it about this man that so powerfully drew my attention?

I couldn’t figure it out. What was it? The world swirled around him, cars honked, people walked past him and he seemed utterly unruffled by it all. And then it hit me, he was in a state of complete and utter serenity. There he was, my man in the street, the world going crazy around him and he was in his own state of nirvana. I found myself wanting to grow up and be just like him.

I am memorized, transfixed, enchanted. He reaches into his inside suit jacket pocket, checks a note he has written down, and returns it to the pocket, his face calm, thoughtful, peaceful, a folded newspaper held gently in his hands. Me thinking, How does he do it? This guy’s my hero. There are moments a bit of humor seems to float to the surface of his mind, and his face, which is wonderful in shape, form and character, don’s the expression of one who has settled on a tasty morsel of amusement.

When he, and at times others near him, but not too near, find a sight or sound attractive, of interest, he slowly turns his head and gazes in its direction, his focus fixed, contemplative, and, to me, most wonderful of all, peaceful.

And then I realize what it is I like so much about this man. His independence of spirit. He is where he wants to be and is clearly comfortable in his own skin. And so I am reminded by this man I have come to believe is a good and decent soul that peace and tranquility can be found anywhere, even in a the center of a New York City street surrounded by traffic and all the attending chaos. And this is a good thing. While I can never again find that kind of peace in the city I still love with all my heart, it warms my heart to know some people can, like my man in the street.

_______

Photos by author

So Fuck You

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I am the blood cut word now

The slid back movement

On the run I am

Personified weariness muscle

So fuck you

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I am the angered moment rising

The bare faced wonder

On the shifting page I am

All the borning letters

So fuck you

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I am powered legs striding

The inhaler of earth sounds

On rhythmic runs I am

Freedom dancing music

So fuck you

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I am the wound you want to know

Split skulled and waiting in the safety

Of your home I am

The road you never travelled

So fuck you

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I am muscled hills exploding color

The unbowed tear on a glorious

Day singing out I am

All my life now

So fuck you

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Into the Arms of Fear

Other than flying out to California to visit my mother Leona when she was dying of cancer, tomorrow will be my first time on public transportation since I was shot in the head in 1984. I was shot in New York City and early tomorrow I am taking a train to New York City. I am giving a speech there tomorrow. The chilly veil of fear has me thoroughly engulfed, but I am allowing it no decision making power.

Over the years I have learned that, with rare exceptions, the healthiest way to manage fear is to stride into it, not away from it. I particularly love the phrase, It’s okay to be afraid, don’t let it scare you. It is a phrase that underscores the notion that we have a relationship with all things and, in this case, with fear. Relationships can be healthy or unhealthy, including those we have with our emotional conditions. And so, tomorrow I board a train and travel to NYC. I never thought I’d be able to do this. But, as Nelson Mandela said, “It always seems impossible until its done.”

Lest you think I have not prepared, let me assure you I have. Today I drove to the train station so I could go inside and see it and familiarize myself with it. I picked up my tickets so the task of doing so in the morning would not sit in my mind and morph into an event that would be highly problematic and, well, scary. I scoped out the parking area and visualized myself walking from the parking area to the train. I saw a newsstand and a coffee counter and, to my delight, realized I could buy a New York Times and coffee there in the morning just like my Dad did when he worked in NYC. There is something comforting to me about the presence of newspaper stands and coffee counters

I will be getting up early and so have pulled my small coffee maker out of the cabinet and have it all set up so when I wake up I will push the button and speed the comforting aroma of coffee into my day.

I will, of course, bring a book and my journal along with a twig  from my father’s grave. While I am damned scared at the moment, I somehow know I am going to have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Breathe

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Breathe

I’m saving my life these days

You listening

I’m saving my life

Hope you’ll hear my moment

Hope you’ll hear my breath

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Breathe

I am the anger sheathed

With no bullshit

The blistering wide open

It’s my concrete scrape

It’s my bent neck

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Breathe

I am neck up blind

But for my child’s face

Shifting in the darkness

In this carved blood moment

The struggle wrenches full

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Breathe

I am saving my life these days

In know that bullet

Cracked me open

I knew I was gone

I get it

Breathe

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