Monthly Archives: March 2012

You can come out now

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You can come out of the woods now child you don’t need to hide anymore

You can come out now you don’t need mother’s leafed canopy to shelter you

Or the solid trunks of power she gives you to hide behind

You can come home now sweet wounded boy because you don’t have to hide

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You can come off the streets young man sheets and blankets wait for you

You can rest your head in the quiet now and sleep with peaceful smile

Or sit in the soft chair by the window and sing your heart song

You can come in from the cold now and live home safe warm

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You can come out of the house now man your long walks are waiting

You can rise up now brother and step out strong once again

Or skip to your heart’s delight under the rise of the cresting sun

You can come home now son  because I’ve loved you all along

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You can come out now sweet boy child though so many are gone

You can sit at the table now and know you’re not alone

Or you can dance through the day and sing any old song

You come out in the world now because it’s your home too

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Call me sinner, call me man

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Call me sinner. Call me man. Call me a human being doing best he can. Nothing always easy about the lifting veil to change. New beginnings, new muscles, or old ones long unused being called on again. It’s down to the pen from here on out. Words against violence I must write, many of them. Violence. Been done to me and I done to others, men and women; this crazy sickness besetting so many, all only getting sicker in their silence.

I ask no favors. I ask no sympathy. Will any of this be easy? No. But easier than living nothing, of that you can be sure. Men and women, boys and girls, all walks of life need to know that there is no difference between the alcoholic-addict clinging to the porcelain throne swearing he or she will never use again and the wrenched-up sobbing man or woman swearing they’ll never strike their family member again. In both moments both people are being honest, both can pass a polygraph with flying colors (never known flying colors to do shit for anyone). But both are wrong. Without treatment there will be more using and more violence. The diseases of both are bigger and stronger than anyone’s will power. Will power is not enough. We are talking about two real diseases, addiction and violence; I know this to be true because I’ve had both.

There is no healthy reason on planet earth to surrender decision making to addiction and there is no healthy reason on planet earth to be violent to another person, family or stranger, not unless you are defending your life.

I don’t know how many years I have left in life. I am two strides from 60. I do know that I can’t undo my past and undo the wounds I’ve inflicted on others, particularly my first wife, a woman who will always live full length in my heart and soul. I do know that I can, even with just the written word, maybe, just maybe, help others.

For those on the out-of-control addiction and out-of-control violence fronts it is time to surrender to the reality you are grappling with and get help. You are not responsible for the sickness, you are for those you hurt while you are sick and you are responsible for your recovery. You need and, more importantly, deserve help – professional help. It took me years of treatment to get well on the violence and addiction fronts. It will likely take you years to get well too. But, it is time well spent. It is a blessing, a tears of joy blessing, to be forever freed of the urge to use and the urge to strike.

For those on the receiving end of these behaviors…there is no healthy reason for you to stay around. I’d go through getting shot in the head 10 times over to both spare my wife the hell I put her through and the hell of losing her I put me through. But here’s the thing, her leaving me on February 12, 1981 was her last gift to me. It was my bottom on that front. It is what sent me into therapy where I worked with all my might for years, where I held no one but me accountable for my behavior.

When my time comes, if I know it is coming, I’d like to be able to close my eyes that last time knowing I did all I could to make amends, help others, breathe love and kindness into the world, add some peace.

Now soon I move and the focus will be writing, and doing so honestly,  and as courageously as I can.

Peace.

Memo from a man with a brain injury: Who is listening?

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This month is national brain injury awareness month and I wonder who is listening? Who is listening to us? To those of us who are actually living with the injuries? Never enough people, I can tell you that.

I have lived with my brain injury since I was held up and shot in the head in 1984 and I’ve worked in the field of brain injury since 1995. There is nothing unique about my experience when I tell you that it was 10 years before anyone every said brain injury to me. There is also nothing new in my pointing out that there are still too many folks who see us and treat us as if we are less human than we were before we were injured. There are those too in the field of brain injury who see each of us as a cottage industry, a way they can make as much money off us as possible by inundating us with services while never bothering to learn a damned thing about the brain in the first place.

There are those too, those poisonous messianic types, who treat us as if we are nothing more than some bacterial presence in some petri dish to experiment with. I heard of one program director from Kingston, New York way who told the wife of a man with a brain injury that there needed to be a funeral to morn her husband’s death so he, this slimy a program director, could lead the effort to recreate him. Didn’t matter to this cretin that the husband was sitting right there in the room listening to this, once again listening to yet one more person talk about him like he wasn’t even there, like he wasn’t even human.

The craft, and working with those of us who live with these injuries is exactly that, a craft, is, from a historical perspective, a new one. There are some remarkable people and some remarkable providers in my state and elsewhere who are trying with all their might to do their best by us. God bless them all. They are not only up against the newness of the task, they are too often up against regulators who don’t include them, or us for that matter, in the design and implementation of the services. Some of these regulators are truly well-meaning and some don’t give a damn. But it is like that on all fronts in life. Some care, some don’t.

For those who do give a damn, and there are quite a few of you, there a few things to remember. First, a brain injury is not a fixed being. It is in constant motion because it is a brain injury. It is one experience when we are rested, another when we are tired. It is one experience this year, and another experience the next. The role my brain injury plays in my life now is very different than the one it played a few years ago. It is hard enough to live with these damned things, don’t make it harder for us by treating us like we are less human and less valuable than you are.  You are morally and factually wrong to treat us as if this was the case.

Also, don’t under estimate us. Not only when it comes to managing our injuries, but when it comes to managing you. Remember something, we’ve been shot, hit by moving vehicles, suffered strokes, been attacked, been devastated by roadside bombs, fallen of buildings, and much much more – and we’re still here. We’re people that deserve all the support that’s out there, and we’re also some of the last folks you want to bully.

And for those of you who, like me, live with a brain injury, please remember this; you are not responsible for your injury, you are responsible for managing it. For those whose injuries are from addiction or suicide attempts, you are are not responsible for your injuries; the villain behind your injury was the disease of addiction or the wrenching life-pain that led you to want to leave this world. In other words, you are human beings, then and now, complete human beings. No one should treat you as if you are less than a complete human being, not even you.

Remember to live, remember to live.

Peace.

Not always easy striding

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Nothing new in saying life’s terms aren’t always easy striding, but we’re alive and that’s a good thing because without it things might be a bit worse.

Lately days of no money in sight short change possibility and the food supply and, to some extent, the heart and soul supply. For the first time in several tours I won’t be able to see Bruce Springsteen in Albany on the 16th of next month, but the new music is here now and once again he reaches my heart and soul. I suspect it is his allegiance to humanity. In this new album Wrecking Ball he hits the heart of the matter, again and again. The song that now pulls me deep and sends the tears flowing Rocky Ground seems born of the human soul and then some.

Nothing new in saying life’s terms aren’t always easy striding, I’m alive and that’s a good thing from my view cause with the heartbeat things might be a bit worse.

Now the packing of boxes and change on the way, no money or breath for nothing but getting through the day. For some reason these days thoughts of those gone from this life on are my mind, some gone by their own hand, some from sickness, all gone too soon. But still each one breathes full length within me though God almighty what I wouldn’t give to hug them all again and sit with them again and talk with them again, hear their voice, and most of all, most of all tell them how much I love them.

Nothing new in saying life’s terms aren’t always easy striding, but you’re alive and that’s a good thing because were you not there’d be a little less wonder and magic in the world.

It’s simple: Fire Limbaugh or Clear Channel employees should strike

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Clear Channel’s Premiere Radio Networks Inc., which hosts Rush Limbaugh’s radio program, issued a statement Sunday saying,  "We respect the right of Mr. Limbaugh, as well as the rights of those who disagree with him, to express those opinions." 

This statement falls squarely into one of three categories: disingenuous, misogynist, or both.  Is Clear Channel, which ought to rename itself Smear Channel if it is going to stand by this statement, actually saying that it respects Limbaugh’s calling someone a slut and a prostitute? Apparently so. Clear Channel employees should strike.

It is not often that the facts are as clear and simple and straightforward as these. Limbaugh, who I prefer to call, given my allegiance to rigorous honesty (which compels me to be as accurate as possible when writing), Slimebaugh, called a woman a slut and a prostitute, and, his verbal onslaught went on for three days. By verbally abusing her, he not only verbally abuses all women, he verbal abuses all people. Our common humanity is not separated by gender; it never has been.

Let us not forget that Sandra Fluke, by testifying before Congress, was engaging in an act that is testimony to all that is good and powerful and wonderful about democracy!

As of this writing eight sponsors have suspended their advertising on Limbaugh’s program. This is a step in the right direction, but, at the moment, it is a small step and it is, sadly, not enough. There is more muscle that can be applied if people who work for Clear Channel’s Premiere Radio Networks simply walk off the job. As long as Limbaugh remains employed, staying on the job with Clear Channel’s Premiere Radio Networks is equivalent to working for a company that persecutes blacks, Hispanics, Jews, Gays, Lesbians, Muslims, Catholics, people with disabilities and so on.

Until this man is fired, all remaining sponsors should be pulling their ads and Clear Channel employees should be walking off the job.