Wayne Allyn Root’s missing “gut instinct” found

As you are probably aware, former 2008 Libertarian Party vice-presidential nominee Wayne Allyn Root earlier this week released a statement acknowledging that his “gut instinct” is missing.

Mr. Root, who penned a soundly debunked essay claiming President Obama attended Columbia University under the name Barry Soetero, now acknowledges that his “gut instinct” was probably missing when he wrote the essay. Had his “gut instinct” not been missing, Mr. Root explained, he would have been aware that Snopes.com (among others) successfully documented, through what Mr. Root described as the unexpected and highly unusually use of facts, that the 1981 Columbia University ID card purporting to show Mr. Obama as Barry Soetero was, in fact, doctored. A blushing Mr. Root went on to say that if his “gut instinct” had been present and accounted for, he would have had his facts straight, a condition those close to Mr. Root say could well have been a first for the 51-year-old native of Mount Vernon, New York.

Mr. Root has yet to distance himself from Lew Rockwell who, according to several sources, authored the racist passages in Ron Paul’s newsletters, claiming that he will make a decision on whether or not to continue his relationship with Mr. Rockwell once his “gut instinct” (Mr. Root’s, not Mr. Rockwell’s) has been successfully located and returned.

However, Mr. Root did acknowledge there were indeed racist quotes in Mr. Paul’s newsletters. “I mean, hell, how can you not notice racists statements like, “Given the inefficiencies of what DC laughingly calls the criminal justice system, I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal,” or “We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational.””

A December 2011 Atlantic Magazine article examining the issue  makes a salient point when it says racism and conspiracy theories are “marginal causes (that) attract marginal people,” some of them genuinely good and decent people, who are either terribly misguided, misinformed, or both.

Back to Mr. Root’s missing “gut instinct.” Before this missive went to press word came in that a team of FBI experts, archaeologists, sociologists, anthropologists and proctologists have indeed located and successfully recovered Mr. Roots “gut instinct.” 

According to Dr. Ben Dover of the KY Institute of Proctology, Mr. Root’s “gut instinct” was located in the upper reaches of Mr. Root’s rectum. The “gut instinct” was gently extracted, washed, and thoroughly debriefed by a team off psychiatrists, psychologists, and car wash owners. Asked why it had traveled deep into the rectum of its owner, the “gut instinct” offered a heartfelt and refreshingly honest answer: “Well, as a gut instinct I’m embarrassed to admit I had  a track record of getting pretty much every damn thing wrong. And so I wanted to understand why I kept getting things wrong and, once I did, try and make amends. Well,  I am proud to announce that the reason I was way up inside Mr. Root’s rectum… well…let’s just say it’s an emotional day for any of us when at long last we get to see where we were born.”


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