Author Archives: Peter Sanford Kahrmann

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About Peter Sanford Kahrmann

Writer, disability rights advocate, civil rights advocate.

Eight Years Sober

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If anyone told me years ago that I’d go eight years without drinking or smoking pot I would have immediately concluded they were smoking better weed than I ever smoked, and truth to tell, I smoked some good weed. But here I am, eight years sober today, July 12.

Without question sobriety is the most glorious presence in my life. All of life is here for me and I get to live it and experience  it, good and bad, as me. And isn’t that the point of life in the first place? To live it being who you are? Not some distorted version of yourself. Not as someone whose health: emotional, spiritual and physical is at risk because of the large amounts of alcohol and drugs your body is ingesting.

In my last days of using I was high on pot at all times and drinking 10 to 14 large glass gin and tonics every night. Being asthmatic, I would put myself through three or four nebulizer treatments daily so I could keep my lungs open for pot. It is a miracle I am alive.

I remember when I first went into a 12-step program, which works if you work it because if you truly work it you are wedded to rigorous honesty, I’d hear people refer to themselves as grateful recovering alcoholics. I’d hear people say this and think, Oh for God sakes, give me a break. But, I had a long way to go at the time. They knew this. I didn’t. But I do now. And now, with all my heart and soul I am proud to say I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

I know there was a time, years in fact, when I  believed it was impossible for me to live life without the presence of pot, and, after my one mother’s suicide in 1992, the presence of alcohol. I have, however, learned a remarkable thing. What feels impossible may not be impossible. If you think it is impossible for you to be free of alcohol and drugs, you too have a right to discover that what feels impossible is not impossible, it simply feels that way.

Now, I am proud to say, it is impossible for me to live life with the presence of alcohol or pot. I love life this way.

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Feeney, the White House, Editors, Elected Officials & Criminal Investigations

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If New York State enters into a contract allowing Timothy J. Feeney to once again impact the lives of survivors of brain injury and those who provide services to them, several things will take place. Before I get to them, let’s review some of the facts.

  • Fact: For more 15 years now Timothy J. Feeney has misrepresented his educational credentials to New York State Officials, people with brain injuries of all ages, children with disabilities, educational institutions and healthcare providers.
  • Fact: Feeney’s so-called PhD and so-called Masters Degree were issued by Greenwich University, a now defunct diploma mill whose degrees are not recognized as valid anywhere in the world.
  • Fact: The New York State Department of Health now knows Feeney has misrepresented and continues to misrepresent his credentials.
  • Fact: STIC (the Southern Tier Independence Living Center), the provider likely to be awarded the contract and give the work to Feeney and his people, has been fully informed of Feeney’s past and present misrepresentations.
  • Fact: STIC and the New York State Department of Health have been informed that Feeney is under contract with the Fort Ann Central School District in New York’s Washington County to work with children (children!) with disabilities , where he is again misrepresenting himself in the process. Fort Ann has been informed as well and has continued working with Feeney; so much for putting the children first.
  • Fact: If Feeney is part of the contract he will be getting paid in taxpayer dollars, Medicaid dollars which means your money and mine will be paying a dishonest individual.

If New York State enters into any contract which allows Feeney to be part of the Statewide Neurobehavioral Project, an entity that wields enormous power over the lives of survivors of brain injury and their families as well as those who provide services to them, then New York and STIC are making it clear they have no respect for people with brain injuries. Why on earth should those of us who live with brain injuries have to deal with someone who lies about who they are? Someone who is unqualified?

And what was the dysfunctional thinking and the behind the scenes backslapping that went on that led to the decision to contract with someone everyone knows is a fraud? What did not go on behind the scenes was any real concern for those of us who live with brain injuries, our loved ones, and the honest healthcare providers that do give a damn. What did not go on was any respect whatsoever for the hard-earned taxpayer dollars that will pay Feeney and his crew.

Back to what  will take place should Feeney and his people be involved in the contract.

  • Letters will be written to the editors of all daily newspapers in New York State and neighboring states detailing the actions of the State and Feeney and STIC.
  • Letters will be sent out to a wide array of State and Federal officials, including President Obama, Healthcare Secretary Sibelius, as well as various members of law enforcement given that historically Feeney has interacted with the judicial system again misrepresenting himself in the process.
  • Last, but by no means least, letters will be sent to CMS (Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services), the Federal Agency the oversees the spending of Medicaid and Medicare dollars in all states, and an agency that will not be pleased to here New York has knowingly entered into a contract with someone they know is misrepresenting his credentials.

The ball is in the court of the State and STIC. We’ll see what happens.

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Enough Loss

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Watching age begin to take her from the world. This all-heart German Shepherd who would give her life for me. This dear friend who loves me and I her beyond words.

Her eyes watch mine now, knowing, it seems, what may be right around the corner for the both of us. Enough loss, enough loss.

Oh my dear God keep her in my heartbeat always. Always, please.

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Addiction and Accountability

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It is no more accurate or fair to villainize an addict or alcoholic for their symptoms than it is to villainize someone with the flu, multiple sclerosis, or brain injury for their symptoms. To do so is wrong, often heartless, and as absurd as deciding someone is a failure in life because they have a fever.

What the person with the addiction has to fully digest is this; they are accountable. Just like anyone else with an illness or medical condition, they are responsible for taking the steps necessary to get well. The kindest, though not at all the easiest thing for loved ones to do, is hold the addict or alcoholic accountable.

Lindsay Lohan’s situation, now being chewed on by the ratings-mean-more-to-us-than-human-life members of the media, is a case in point.  Danny Bonaduce, who, as a child starred in “The Partridge Family,” reportedly said the fear that comes with a stint in jail might be a healthy thing for Ms. Lohan – true – but added that “rehab does not help” – not true. Ms. Lohan’s father, who apparently has done anything but pay any real attention to his in-danger-of-dying daughter is romping around the talk show circuit. The point is, we all have people in our life who are so tangled in their own dysfunction that their influence on us, if we accept it, is anything but helpful. Surrounding dysfunctions of people and circumstance aside, the addict is the one responsible for getting well.

As an alcoholic I hit my “bottom” in 2001. I was arrested, fired from a job, and destroyed a five-year relationship. That the circumstances surrounding the arrest were linked to a set-up was what my mind chose to focus on. They set me up, the bastards. Case got thrown out of court didn’t it? All conveniently true. Had it not been true I would have lied and said it was true anyway.  Truth was something I aligned myself with only when it worked for me, or so I thought.

Anyway, in my first months in a 12-step program I was talking with a NYC Firefighter who had something along the lines of 20 years sobriety under his belt. I spun my tale of they-set-me-up woe to him. He listened patiently until I’d finished. “Okay,” he said. “I’m going to believe you. But here’s the real question, it’s a yes or no answer. Was there anything about Peter Kahrmann that contributed to these things happening in the first place? Yes or no?” I knew the answer and said it. “Yes.” Had I not been drinking, had I not been active, none of what befell me would have happened.

And so when Lindsay Lohan or anyone else facing addiction bemoans the circumstances they find themselves in, Ms. Lohan recently referring to her jail sentence as “inhuman and degrading treatment,” what they need to get, really get, is the simple but difficult to digest fact that had they not been using, they wouldn’t be in the pain they are in. Had Ms. Lohan stayed sober, she would not be going to jail.

The real inhuman and degrading treatment is inflicted by the addiction. The addiction, not the legal system or the drug rehab system, is the enemy.

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Thoughts on Lindsay Lohan

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No matter how you hold Lindsay Lohan’s behavior up to the light, you are looking at someone in the merciless grip of addiction.  I am a recovering alcoholic so the struggle for sobriety is not foreign to me. Continued use usually ends in, as the saying goes, jails, institution or death.  The story for those who continue to use never ends with the words, and they lived happily ever after. As long as Ms Lohan or anyone is using, life is at risk.

This week Superior Court Judge Marsha N. Revel sentenced Ms. Lohan to 90 days in jail to be followed by a 90-day inpatient rehab program to commence within two days of her release. With all my heart I hope Ms. Lohan gets that she is battling with addiction, accepts its reality, and commits to getting sober, sobriety being far more important than any waiting screen role. Apparently this is lost on Chris Hanely, one of the producers of Inferno, a so-called biopic of Linda Lovelace with Ms. Lohan slated to play the part. Hanely is quoted in PEOPLE as calling the 90 and 90 sentence “A pretty brutal judgment.”  Ms. Lohan’s parents have complained that the sentence is too harsh.

Here’s the reality as I see it. Ms. Lohan has not hit her “bottom” yet, the “bottom” being that moment when it finally hits the person deep in their center that unless they get well, all is lost. Without hitting “bottom”, no one recovers. I am genuinely sorry for the suffering Ms. Lohan and the millions of others who are battling with addiction endure. It’s hell. I can only hope those around her and those around the countless others understand that you will lose anything and everything you put before your sobriety.

As a good friend of mine, Jimmy, once said: “You’re not responsible for your addiction, you’re responsible for your recovery.” And so it is for Ms. Lohan, me, and everyone else who faces the challenge of addiction.

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