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About Peter Sanford Kahrmann

Writer, disability rights advocate, civil rights advocate.

"Keeping Quiet" by Pablo Neruda

Knowing the last year has been a brutal one for this writer, Deanna, a wonderful friend of mine from California, sent me this Neruda poem. It is exquisitely healing. And so, for the first time in this blog’s history, another writer’s words take center stage. After you read them, I think you’ll agree that is exactly where they belong.

Now we will count to twelve

and we will all keep still



For once on the face of the earth,

Let’s not speak in any language;

let’s stop for one second,

and not move our arms so much.



It would be an exotic moment

without rush, without engines;

we would all be together

in a sudden strangeness.



Fishermen in the cold sea

would not harm whales

and the man gathering salt

would look at his hurt hands.



Those who prepare green wars

wars with gas, wars with fire,

victories with no survivors,

would put on clean clothes

and walk about with their brothers

in the shade, doing nothing



What I want should not be confused

with total inactivity.

life is what it is about;

I want no truck with death.



If we were not so single-minded

about keeping our lives moving,

and for once could do nothing,

perhaps a huge silence

might interrupt this sadness

of never understanding ourselves

and of threatening ourselves with death.

Perhaps the earth can teach us

as when everything seems dead

and later proves to be alive.



Now I’ll count to twelve

And you keep quiet and I will go.



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DO YOU WANT A BLOW JOB?

The following is an excerpt from the memoir



I am 12 years old walking across Lincoln Center Plaza on my way to catch a cross-town bus to go to the Harkness School of Ballet. I just got out of my classes at Professional Children’s School, a private school for children in the arts: dancers, actors, painters, models, musicians, composers and so forth.



My weeks are packed. I take dance classes six days a week, go to school five days a week, and work off the books for a couple of hours one day a week washing dishes at a local restaurant near my home. My Dad has instilled in me the importance of always having a job, no matter how few the hours, so I can always have a couple of dollars in your pocket.



I am passing the fountain in the plaza’s center when a middle-aged man with red hair begins to walk next to me. He is on my left. I am in a hurry.



He says, “How are you today, young man?”



“Fine,” I say.



He says, “Where you off too?”



“Dance class.”



“Dance class, really…that sounds nice.”



He continues at my side as we reach the end of the plaza. He says, “Can I ask you something?”



“I gotta catch a bus.”



Would you like a blow job?”



“I already have a job.”



He looks bewildered. “No no. I wanted to know if you want a blow job.”



I am not the most patient 12 year old on the planet. “I just told you, I already have a job.”



We have reached the bus stop. The bus is arriving. He looks at me. “I’m asking you if you’d like a blow job, kid.”



I’ve had it. “What are you, stupid or something? I just told you I have a job.” I glare at him before getting on the bus.



The middle-aged man with the red hair stands outside the bus giving me a strange look. As the bus pulls out, I give him the only reasonable response I can think of, the finger.



My Dad and I are driving home that evening on the Palisades Parkway when I tell him some guy kept offering me a job today.



He sounds surprised. “Somebody offered you a job?”



“Told him I already had a job.”



“Where did this take place?”



“Lincoln Center.”



“Really. What kind of job?”



“He asked me if I wanted a blow job.”



Had I known at that moment what a blow job actually was I would have been immediately as impressed with my father’s ability to keep the car on the road as I am today.



“Oh, Pete,” he said, looking worried. “We need to talk.”



“You okay, Dad?”



“Your okay, that’s what matters. And yes, I’m okay.”



My father then explained what kind of, well, job, I’d been offered. And although I didn’t realize it then, I know now that while ignorance may not always be bliss, it can protect you from trauma.

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DEAR JACKIE ONE MORE TIME

Dear Jackie,

If you send me your e-mail in a comment on the blog I will write to you. All blog comments are screened so your e-mail will not become public knowledge.

I am glad things are going well for you, making new friends, that is wonderful, as are you.

Peter

ARE YOU *&%*#$#@ KIDDING ME?

There is an old Woody Allen stand-up routine in which he says he stayed up all night writing “Great Expectations” only to find out Charles Dickens had already written it. A very funny riff by Mr. Allen. What’s not funny is author (I use the term loosely here) Neale Donald Walsch’s insistence that he somehow convinced himself that he wrote an essay that had been written by someone else.

Mr. Walsch is known for writing the best selling series, “Conversations with God.”

The story goes like this. According to the New York Times, author (I use the term here with great confidence) Candy Chand wrote a lovely, heart warming Christmas story about her son, Nicholas, and his Christmas pageant. It was published in 1999 and again in 2000 in a book called “Chicken Soup for the Christmas Family Soul” where, according to the Times, Ms. Chand is clearly identified as the author.

Mr. Walsch’s response to all this, his apology, which I don’t believe, and his explanation, which is beyond belief, is worth telling in case any of you are trolling about for science fiction story lines or are gearing up for a remake of The Twilight Zone series.

According to the Times, Mr. Walsch said he was “truly mystified and taken aback by this — is that someone must have sent it (Ms. Chand’s story) to me over the Internet ten years or so ago… Finding it utterly charming and its message indelible, I must have clipped and pasted it into my file of ‘stories to tell that have a message I want to share.’ I have told the story verbally so many times over the years that I had it memorized … and then, somewhere along the way, internalized it as my own experience.”

In case your eyebrows are only halfway up your forehead and you have the overwhelming desire to drive them right up to your hairline, read on. Mr. Walsch went on to say, “I am chagrined and astonished that my mind could play such a trick on me.” Gee, Neale, I hate when that happens.

Your astonished that your mind could play such a trick on you?? Are you fucking kidding me? Your mind is you, knucklehead.

Ms. Chand does not believe Mr. Walsch. Good for her. Neither do I. And while I would like to end this essay with my own parting shot at Mr. Walsch, I think what Ms. Chand said in a telephone interview more than deserves total sway here.

“Has the man who writes best-selling books about his ‘Conversations With God’ also heard God’s commandments? ‘Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not lie, and thou shalt not covet another author’s property’?”

All I can say is, You go girl!
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RELATIONSHIPS AND THE MAIL

The nearly always-interesting thing for me about beginning an essay, any piece of writing that begins with a notion about something, is I rarely know where it will lead. What the final shape and flavor will be.

There are times, like now, this early January morning, it is 5:43 a.m. as I write these words, that two ideas join hands, two images, if you will.

One is about the complete and utter joy I feel when I get regular mail, not e-mail, mail. Yesterday I was comfortably ensconced in my ugly orange Archie Bunker living-room chair writing in my journal when I saw the mail carrier arrive and put mail in the mailbox. It was all I could do not to leap out of my chair and race to the mailbox because when I see mail arrive I am often swept up in the same kind of joy a child feels on Christmas morning.

Am I alone in the world in my response to getting mail? I doubt it. Getting mail is in some way a reminder that the world knows you are alive. And the utter joy I feel when the two magazines I subscribe too (The New Yorker and The Atlantic) arrive is indescribable.

The second notion I was pondering is the answer to a question I have been asked recently, twice actually, about what I want in a relationship, what I want to be true in a relationship with a woman. There are some non-negotiables for me in a relationship: no emotional or physical violence, no drugs, preferably someone who does not smoke (anything), and at the risk of sounding shallow and close minded, I have a tough time with unshaved legs and armpits. Silly of me? Maybe. But maybe not. I know there are woman who will do an about face when they see I have a beard or goatee.

Now, what does getting mail and relationships have in common, and why am I, for some reason, connecting them in my head? Damned if I know. However, maybe it has to do with the hope that in any relationship there is always a joy and wonder felt when listening too and experiencing what comes out of the mind and heart of the person you are with.

Again, what does getting mail and relationships really have in common? Not sure. But, what the hell, this is my essay.

I can say that above all else in any relationship I want us to be best friends – emotionally, physically and spiritually at peace with each other – and safe to be who we are with each other, as happy nesting quietly together at home as we are exploring the world around us.

Has this been a fragmented, disjointed essay. Sure has. What can I tell you… other than thank you for toughing it out.
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