Category Archives: relationships

Patience & Forgiveness

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Many years ago my friend Dane said I was too patient with people, let them get away with too much, gave them too many free swings at me. There were times he was spot on right.  I recall one occasion in which I was, as it turned out, being far too patient with a problematic roommate. At the time I was living in the Lower East Side, East Second Street between avenues C and D. I did reach the end of my patience (a bit late in the game, truth be told) and found another roommate.

But, still, to this day I am patient with people and situations I care about.  Why? Why the patience? The answer has more than one aspect.  Usually I genuinely care about the person, group or situation. When it comes to people I truly care about (love even), who else should I be patient and forgiving with? (Those you are close too can inflict the deepest wounds, thus the need for forgiveness.) I would rather be too patient than not been patient enough.  After all, people have been patient with me.  That, and I’ve never known anyone, least of all me, who can claim the mantle of perfection. I have, like you,  known some who think they can. (A sad lot to be sure.) If, at some point, I am going to sever ties with a person or group or situation I genuinely care about (or love)  I want to know that I have given my all with all my heart, and soul – and might.

I suppose the question is how do you know when, exactly, you’ve been patient enough? How can you tell? It is not always easy and I am not going to pretend I have the singular answer. For me it revolves around respect and honesty. Am I being treated with respect? If not, when (if) addressed, does it get resolved in a healthy way? Are the people involved being honest? If not, do they own it? Without respect and honesty you are doing nothing more than trying to make uniform shapes out of smoke. If this is the case and those involved are unwilling or unable to  take responsibility for their choices, it’s time to disengage.

As to whether I am too patient or not… I think we do more damage to each other with impatience and the absence of forgiveness than we do with patience and forgiveness. So, if I am going to overdo it, I’d rather overdo it on the patience and forgiveness fronts. It is what I would want from someone who cared about me. No one has the right to expect what they will not give.

Thanking Messrs. Wilde & Thoreau

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I love and cherish various phrases that, for me, put reality in a clear light, and, in some cases, inspire.  I like phrases that right-size some or all of life’s ingredients. Lately, I’ve been spending time with Oscar Wilde’s, “Be yourself’; everyone else is already taken.” While there appears to be a nearly endless string of speculations as to why we exist in the first place, I think it safe to conclude that part of the answer – no matter the speculation – is, to be yourself.

(Note: I will not be surprised if a reader writes in informing me that one or more meaning-of-life speculations does not include, to be yourself. More than okay. In the event I am so informed, I have my response fully polished and ready to go: I don’t agree.)

So many of us get the message or messages that there is something wrong with who we are. That somehow, were we to give ourselves permission to, as Henry David Thoreau wrote: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined,” we would be mucking up the works. Not true! Giving ourselves permission to live the life we’ve imagined will undoubtedly result in a happier life. In the first place, living the life you’ve imagined likely means you will be engaged in things you enjoy. Whether you meet every single solitary goal is, when it comes down to it, not the sole point of things. The joy and wonder is the journey itself. Conversely, denying yourself permission to live the life you’ve imagined or, more precisely, denying yourself your right  to be you, will undoubtedly result in a less fulfilling and, as a result, less happy life.

There is another gift that comes with being yourself. You will find yourself among those of similar interests, a reality that makes for solid and healthy friendships (or more) because you don’t have to abbreviate or surrender parts of yourself in order to connect with the others.

Yes, it is quite true that no two people are alike which means any two people will have their differences. There will be, in any meaningful connection between people, the need to compromise. But, and listen closely, healthy compromise and giving up who you are are worlds apart. Healthy compromise is a way of adapting to your environment which, of course, includes the people in your life. Compromise, adaptation, is how species continue to exist and, if they are lucky, flourish.

Compromise promotes one’s growth. Giving up who you are stifles growth, fuels resentment, and leads to a story that never ends with the words, And (he, she or they) lived happily ever after.

So, this writer would urge you to heed Messrs. Wilde and Thoreau: Be yourself; everyone else is already taken, and, Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.

Lastly, consider this. Had Messrs. Wilde and Thoreau not given themselves permission to be who they were, we would not have these two wonderful quotes to guide and empower us.

Relationship Jail Cells

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Many years ago I wrote a script that went nowhere called It Was Your Heart I Wanted. The story was about a woman confronted with the possibility of entering a relationship but found herself fearfully hesitant because her last relationship had been such a brutal one. An all too common reason for hesitancy many have when facing the possibility of new love. And so, in a very real way, they are trapped in the jail cells of prior relationships. I called the piece It Was Your Heart I Wanted because I do believe most of us can say that and mean that when we enter into a relationship.

But there is another kind of relationship jail cell. The relationship we are are already in, we know are not happy, and yet we stay in them anyway. The love may be gone, if it was ever there, and the environment is toxic, but we stay. Blessedly, I am not in this situation and after nearly seven years of sobriety would disengage from a situation like this were I in one. But, believe me, I’ve been in toxic relationship jail cells before.

I know a few people who are in them now.

I know one extraordinary person who is an American History buff. I mean this is someone who really knows and loves American History. But their spouse stops them from any involvement with history clubs or other people who love history. I know another person who is in a relationship with someone they like but don’t love but figures the person is good to the kids so why not.

I level no harsh judgment towards anyone who is trapped by their history in a way that stops them from daring to love and daring to be loved. What I will say is this. All of us have the right to love and be loved, and no one’s history deserves so much say it stops them from experiencing the heart-and-soul wonder of a relationship that works gloriously, and believe me, there are relationships like this in the world. I know people who are in them.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll take the risk of loving and being loved. My history be damned. If the possibility of a deep-in-the-heart relationship is there, I don’t want to miss it, at least not because of my history.

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE MAIL

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The nearly always-interesting thing for me about beginning an essay, any piece of writing that begins with a notion about something, is I rarely know where it will lead. What the final shape and flavor will be.

There are times, like now, this early January morning, it is 5:43 a.m. as I write these words, that two ideas join hands, two images, if you will.

One is about the complete and utter joy I feel when I get regular mail, not e-mail, mail. Yesterday I was comfortably ensconced in my ugly orange Archie Bunker living-room chair writing in my journal when I saw the mail carrier arrive and put mail in the mailbox. It was all I could do not to leap out of my chair and race to the mailbox because when I see mail arrive I am often swept up in the same kind of joy a child feels on Christmas morning.

Am I alone in the world in my response to getting mail? I doubt it. Getting mail is in some way a reminder that the world knows you are alive. And the utter joy I feel when the two magazines I subscribe too (The New Yorker and The Atlantic) arrive is indescribable.

The second notion I was pondering is the answer to a question I have been asked recently, twice actually, about what I want in a relationship, what I want to be true in a relationship with a woman. There are some non-negotiables for me in a relationship: no emotional or physical violence, no drugs, preferably someone who does not smoke (anything), and at the risk of sounding shallow and close minded, I have a tough time with unshaved legs and armpits. Silly of me? Maybe. But maybe not. I know there are woman who will do an about face when they see I have a beard or goatee.

Now, what does getting mail and relationships have in common, and why am I, for some reason, connecting them in my head? Damned if I know. However, maybe it has to do with the hope that in any relationship there is always a joy and wonder felt when listening too and experiencing what comes out of the mind and heart of the person you are with.

Again, what does getting mail and relationships really have in common? Not sure. But, what the hell, this is my essay.

I can say that above all else in any relationship I want us to be best friends – emotionally, physically and spiritually at peace with each other – and safe to be who we are with each other, as happy nesting quietly together at home as we are exploring the world around us.

Has this been a fragmented, disjointed essay. Sure has. What can I tell you… other than thank you for toughing it out.
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REAL LOVE: AND SO IT GOES

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I love the idea of long walks, of holding hands, of leaning on each others shoulder, in play, and in tenderness. I love the idea of sitting quietly together, listening to music, laughing in-the-belly-hard at some comedy routine, or holding each other close if one or the other or both have been wounded in life. I think two people ought to draw close, not apart, when the road gets rocky. All these things are so deep-in-the-heart-and-soul important to me when it comes to the question of real love. And if I can’t answer this question honestly when I ask it of myself, how can I possibly answer it if I am asked by a woman?

And so it goes.