Category Archives: sobriety

Sobriety First

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It took getting arrested in 2001 for me to turn my life around. To be more accurate, it took getting arrested and watching my “world” disintegrate to lead me into the rooms of a 12-step program and turn my life around. While the arrest itself was horrible and the case was thrown out of court 19 days later and the motivation behind the charges was likely designed to shut my advocate mouth up, none of it would have happened had I not been drinking, and so, I am responsible.

Just a day or so after the case had been thrown out of court I was talking to a NYC Firefighter who had 25 years of sobriety under his belt. “They set me up,” I whined. “They had this fox nurse buddy up to me and we went out drinking a few times and next thing I know, I’m getting accused of all this shit. It’s bullshit.”  I was actually telling the truth, but only because they truth happened to work for me, or so I was foolish enough to think.

He looked at me, nodded, smiled, and said, “Okay. Let’s say I believe you. But whether they set you up or not is not the point. There’s always people like that in the world. I have one question for you and one question only. It’s a yes or no answer. Was there anything about Peter Kahrmann that contributed to the environment that allowed it to happen? Yes or no.”

“Yes,” I said.

“Good. That’s what you need to focus on. Not all the bullshit that’s around you, but you, take responsibility for you. Get sober.”

I will be sober eight years this July 12.  I wouldn’t trade my sobriety in for anything else.

Believe me, if I wasn’t sober, I never would have written this.

______________________

The Sweet Taste of Morning

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The first hour, the delicious sounds of birds singing, the light only just making its way into the day, water on for that exquisite first cup of coffee. This morning the ground wet from through-the-night thunderstorms, more glory! A look through binoculars at the vegetable garden (don’t want to miss anything), smiling at the sight of newborn tomatoes. From nothing but a seed they are? Well then, aren’t we all?

Then it comes, that familiar unwelcome chill of fear, a feathery slightness to it, momentary. I am in my home, the place to be. Water ready now, coffee made. This morning in my Hummingbird mug. My father and I deciding so many years ago that Hummingbirds are signs of good luck. The feather touch of fear still there I go stand by my books and the fear, like a frightened animal, flees. The comfort of books, the comfort of books runs so deep. All of them are my friends, with me always, each there own world living safely in my home. Good company always.

And I know this sweet tasting morning is extra special. I am seven years sober today. I am alive and I am me, fully me savoring the sweet taste of morning. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Fury Over the Lost PC

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On my writing table is a bust of Beethoven, a childhood hero of mine. He once wrote a short piano piece of fury and heartbreak called Fury Over the Lost Penny. It’s not a long piece but there is enough fury and heartbreak in it to last a lifetime. He wrote it after a coin he’d set aside for food fell into his piano and was lost forever. Well, that is how I feel this morning. My PC has crashed, crashed to the point it will not even boot up. I get these warning signs saying more damage will be done if Windows allows it to boot up. Been a long time since I’ve had an overwhelming urge to break any, well, windows.

Being on a fixed income this event is, in a word, a disaster. Worst of all, I’d just begun writing a piece that I fear is lost forever. All my other writing is saved, thankfully, but this piece I fear is lost and I loved it, as I love all the things I write, even when they suck, and most do. I’m writing this feeble piece on what can best be described as a Model T Laptop.

Lousy morning. The good news is I will be sober seven years tomorrow and don’t think I don’t know I’d be handling this a lot differently if I wasn’t sober.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS? OKAY, SOME

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Of all the holidays New Year’s means the most to me. No, I do not go to parties or loud gatherings. Not interested. But I do like it as a time of reflection. What has the concluding year, in this case, 2008, been like, and what do I hope for in the new year, 2009? Well, for starters, I don’t want 2009 to be anything like 2008. This year has been packed with bullshit and betrayals. On more than one occasion I have made the decision to let something slide, although I am carefully rethinking each and every one of those decisions.


As for New Year’s resolutions? For me, first and foremost, protect my sobriety. I will celebrate seven years of sobriety this July and I know, or have learned, that anything I put before my sobriety I will lose. Part of protecting my sobriety means growing my sobriety which, in my case, will mean taking better care of myself physically. I want to get back into a physical conditioning ritual. Moreover, I want to write, write, write. And, of course, continue the weekly workshops I facilitate for brain injury survivors, their loved ones and professionals in the field.


I will also do everything in my power to support a wonderful woman I was onced married to who now battles a medical condition that wants to, if not take her life, make her as miserable as possible. She has the heart of a warrior and my money is on her, but that does not mean I will not seek to move mountains for her. If giving up a limb would mean the demise of the medical condition she faces, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Faster even.



I can tell you this, knowing what she is facing makes me far less patient with the bullshit in life. It makes me wish it was 35 years ago, a time when I would have simply tracked down the cowards that betrayed me this year and simply, well, you know, at least smacked’m. Fortunately for them, and for me, I am sober, and, blessedly, non-violent.



And so, for now, I will get well, resume life, love those in my life with all my heart and all my might, and simply discard those that bring pain, dishonesty and bullshit into my life. Not a bad way of losing weight and increasing my spiritual fitness.



Anyway, stay safe all. Be well in this new year, remember to live.

______________________________________________________

2007: WOUNDS, BLESSINGS AND A THANK YOU

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It would be inexcusable of me to end this year without thanking the more than 160 regular members of the Kahrmann Blog as well as the thousands from my country and around the world who have visited the Kahrmann Blog in 2007.

It is a humbling thing to know people from my country and from around the world think enough of what I write to read it. It is my sincere hope that all your lives are going well and, if not, that things get better for you. We all deserve to be ourselves in the world safely.

I thought I’d touch on a few things here at year’s end.

WOUNDS AND BLESSINGS

WOUNDS

Like any year, 2007 has had its share of both. As some of you know I work throughout the year with trauma survivors, primarily survivors of brain injuries but other traumas as well. Moreover, many of those I work with battle with the demons of addiction, alcoholism. One young man I worked with died this year as a result of the latter and another man my age left this world because of cancer. Not to be left out, I almost died last June when, among other things I discovered I had a heart condition, which is manageable but there nonetheless.

This year has again reacquainted me with the reality that I will not be able to have any real relationship with my 30-year-old daughter and my two grandsons, at least not now. I’ve also had to disengage from a woman I care about deeply. She and her two sons (I love them both) have a safe place in my heart, but whether the friendship resumes is yet to be seen.

Professionally I have gone through some rings of fire but so it goes when you are a human rights advocate. I’ve been one long enough to know there will some blows to endure. And I’m okay with that.

BLESSINGS

– Best of all, I am still sober. There is nothing more precious to me than my sobriety. Without it, I am done, and I know it. As a sober man for more than five years now, I am finally living life as me. My father’s death when I was 15 robbed me of sacred gift of being myself safely in the world. Sobriety returned it.

– Michael Sulsona. Michael and I have been friends for more than 30 years now and in recent years have realized and voice to each other that we have become brothers.

– Philip and Vincent Sulsona. Two young men that have called me Uncle Peter since they could talk.

– Frieda Coloccio. Frieda is Michael’s other half. She is a miracle in life who knows what loyalty of the heart means; she lives it.

– Atticus and Rowan: Two young men that will always have a place in my heart.

– Bruce Springsteen: God bless you, sir. Many times in life, your songs have helped me through the darkest times. Saw you twice this year and will see you twice next year. I hope someday we meet so I can thank you in person.

– The Kolbowski Family, for letting belong for a time.

– My three dogs: McKenzie, Milo and Charley.

– My survivors: To all the survivors I have worked with and spent time with through this state and beyond. You do more for me than I can ever hope to do for you. I love you all.

– Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela: For continuing to be my guiding lights through advocacy’s toughest days.

– Bill Buse. Thank you, bro, for being the greatest therapist on earth for me, and for believing in me all these years.

– For my daughter, Jennifer and my grandsons, Daniel and Adam.

– For my Dad, who has been my guiding light all my life, even though he left this world when I was 15. You saved me when I was a boy, during the dark days of homelessness and you got me up off the ground when they shot me down, Dad. I love you, I love you, I love you.

REMEMBER TO LIVE AND LOVE YOUR LIFE

This would be my message to you, my reader.

Remember to live and love your life. Don’t miss it. It’s yours. A sweet spring rain, a soft winter snowfall, the laughter of a child, the soul warming taste of good food, all these things are as real as the reality of bills, job titles, income, your looks, your weight, your height and on and on.

Remember to live and love your life. Enjoy the buds of spring, a piece of jewelry just made, a song just sung, a guitar chord played, the rhythm of Latin drums or the soft delicious cadence of a baby laughing.

Remember to live and love your life. Enjoy what’s in the cup you have, don’t let what you think is missing stop you from enjoying what is not.

Remember to live and love your life. Don’t forget to tell those you love that you love them. No such thing as saying it too much.

******************************

Have a wonderful New Year…my love and respect to you all.

Peter