I step outside and I am in heaven. The air is warm, a hint of humidity, and I am glad for it, need it, it gets into my bones, warms them, comforts them, and me. There are dreams out here and I know it. They may ride the waves of the breeze, or be hidden in the jewel like sounds of one bird singing, or in the soft-shoe-smiling sound of the crow’s caw. Either way, they are here and I am glad for them too.

I hate that it is hard for me to come out here. While this had been a battle for longer than I want to discuss, it is against my nature. My earliest memories include hours and hours in the woods. I would have gladly lived there forever like the American Indians I loved had I not know my father was part of my life, an angel in fatherhood, and thus staying away from him made it, my young mind knew, certain I would perish.

And so here I am many years later out here in the beauty of the day, surrounded by nature, my three dogs eyeing me from their pen, twinkle-eyed all, reminding myself now, in this moment, that not matter the struggles, this world is here, for me, and the peace it brings is here too, for all of us, if we dare to believe it.

It is here too that I am with my father, his arms around me, sitting next to me, giving me a hug, his laughter, the always welcome smell of his flannel shirt when I hug him, the fact he loves me always simply for being me. I love him now always my angel in fatherhood.

Swing that soft moving hip shuffle my way

Sing out the simple things in highway songs

Bring me your glisten skin in rackamuffin rhythms

And ain’t no shuck and jive when you’re getting up

*

I remember the corner boys and back room deals

And Singing Sally down the block breakin’ hearts

While Howie hot wheeled on the Belt Parkway singing

There ain’t no shuck and jive when you’re gettin’ up

*

I remember Mikey on the mic and Frankie on the wheel

In tow truck heaven and  JC’s down at the beach

Catching the biggest fish he can dream cause

There ain’t no shuck and jive when you’re getting up

*

I remember Bobby’s guitar a part of him

Followed by a booze drenched southern day

And the bullet self fired that ended him

…Ain’t no shuck and jive when you can’t get up

*

And I’m thankin’ God for Michael, Leona and Dad

For the days my legs lifted me to then and now

‘Cause when you facing life’s end you know

There ain’t no shuck and jive in getting up

*

*

Shiftin’ rhythms rockin through time

And I’m not trapped between part ways and maybes

Sweet lips ride the back of sweet tastin nights

Mean nothing ‘less your soul’s in the arms of mine

*

New days come and new days go

And I’m not thinkin about main streets and highways

‘Cause magic rides in the belly of love

Turning softly wet sliding in skin to skin embrace

*

Coffee in the morning on sunrise time

Shuffled blankets sunlight dancing on sleeping curves

I hear the soft sounds of love

A word we dream and tarnish and dream again

*

There are no words in my language that can come close to describing the wounds sustained by the hearts and souls of so many in the human family on September 11, 2001. My eyes fill with tears simply writing that sentence. The carnage inflicted on so many lives, physically, emotionally and spiritually is beyond comprehension. The fact it is beyond comprehension is a good thing, a healthy thing. Above all things, remember to live your life. Life, including death, happens to all of us whether we like it or not. We do not have control over everything and we are living a myth if we think we do. However, we do have control over our choices, and it is this truth that can make your life flourish. Follow your dreams. Why not? If not now, when?

Some of us have met the presence of death, and in some cases, our own death, up close and personal. When you are in this experience, how much money you have in the bank, the type of car you drive, whether you are tall or short, famous or not, means nothing. What is real is who you are, and so much of who you are is built on the foundation of your life experiences. If you are falling in love or listening to music that makes your spirit soar or drinking that first cup of coffee in the morning or walking on the beach or bagging a summit, the fulfillment you feel comes from the experience itself, not from anything the culture defines as some kind of status symbol. In fact, the only thing status symbols lack is status. When someone reaches the summit of Everest, they are not thinking about who made their hiking gear, they are fully in moment, just where they’re supposed to be.

Remember to live your life, not the life others tell you to live, unless it coincides with what you want and fosters your ability to be you in the world. You are allowed to be who you are. I promise. Give love to the world you live in, and while you are at it, don’t forget to love you too.

Remember to live – please.

I will celebrate my 56th birthday on Friday, October 2.  Actually, I approach that day, not so much with a sense of celebration, but with a pensiveness, a deep seeded reflection on what I want to do with my life from here on out. My father never saw his 56th birthday. I recently passed him in time in the world and  I pledged that from that moment on out I would be striding through my days for the both of us. And so, I am contemplating changes. Disengaging from some things in my life, re-engaging with others, and starting some new journeys.

I’d like to find my sister Rebecca and see how she is doing. Our life paths were torn apart when our mother placed me in reform school only weeks after our father died. I was 15, Rebecca was 10. We reconnected briefly around the time of our mother’s 1992 suicide. I would like to see how she is doing. She is my sister and no matter what has happened, I love her very much.

I also plan on disengaging from anyone and anything that fuels their end of our connection in life with the hollow sounds of lip service. I have no time for that. Neither do they, but it is not my journey’s mandate to make them see that, nor could I if I tried.

As I contemplate and experience the fear that comes with making major changes, I go back to something Buddha taught. That so much of human suffering is rooted in our connection to material things, rooted in what we are taught to experience as status symbols, real measures of our worth: the cars we drive, our job titles, being a board member of this or that organization, and so forth. When it all comes down to it, none of these things truly fulfills us, or makes us happy. Moreover,  if we rely on any of them to give our lives buoyancy, we are, in truth, sunk. We have yanked the rug of human experience right out from under ourselves with a social slight of hand.

I want to live my life with all my heart and soul. Love those close to me with all I am and help as many people as I can discover that none of life’s wounds or traumas have reduced their value and worth. One of the things I love about the workshops I facilitate is every extraordinary person that is in them knows life happens to us whether we like it or not. They know it is how we manage it, the relationship we have with it that matters. No job title or status symbol ever protected anyone from real life.