Monthly Archives: December 2008

AS FOREVER AS I AM

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The loss we feel when a loved one dies reminds us they are not gone. Yes, it is true, they are gone physically, but it is equally true that we would not feel their loss in the first place were they not still present, still alive and well in our hearts and souls.

I do believe this. And while there may be those who see this belief as a form of denial or avoidance, I respectfully and firmly wave off both interpretations. I know me well and I know I would not be alive today were denial or avoidance leading voices in the person that is me.

As I ponder the experience of loss, watch others go through it, absorb its penetrating realities, I am humbled and grateful that we can feel it when it happens. While not an altogether pleasant experience by any means, it does have its tender moments. There is a just and poignant intimacy in the loss experience. An intimacy we deserve when a loved one dies because it reminds us that person’s presence is still alive and well within us.

I know what I wanted to say here; although I am not sure I’ve said it very well. I went to a memorial service for my friend Frank today. I love him very much. I am quite sure his presence in my heart and soul is as forever as I am.

Dedicated to Jane Pierce
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NATURE’S EMBRACE

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Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “In wildness is the preservation of the world.” Not only do I agree that the preservation of the world can be found in the unfettered embrace and reality of nature, but the preservation of the soul, of our very being can be found there as well. After all, that is where we all come from and return to.


And so it is that in these days of reflection I have decided to again immerse myself in nature. Nature’s intentions are pure; they know no bigotry. The sun’s warmth and the bite of winter cold is there for all of us. There are also extraordinary moments to be experienced. Thoreau told of one when he wrote, “I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance that I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn.” I too had one recently when I turned and saw a doe standing eight feet from me, looking right at me. There the two of us were, side by side, and for some reason that I will never understand but always treasure, she did not run. She simply gave me the once over, rightfully determined that I was not a threat to her, and proceed ed to feed on the nearby foliage. I named her Gretchen. She even let me take pictures of her.

There is something else that comes with time in nature: spiritual freedom. When I walk in the woods a moment comes when the woods and I are one and the same. My being is as related to the trunk of a tree or the stem of a flower as they are to the branches, leaves and flower petals. We are all joined in the web of sunlight and shadow, or the mystical embrace of a morning mist. A luscious tranquility fills the lungs, the heart, the soul. The healing nectar of peace runs through the veins and the trials of daily life take their rightful place in the storeroom for the trivial. There are many things to be seen in nature and – if you pay attention – they will make your heart smile.

Buddha was right when he said much of human suffering comes from our attachment to material things: possessions, money and so forth. When you allow the all of you to walk full length in nature, the nexus of life, it’s spiritual center, nature itself, will take you in her arms: a wondrous, healing embrace deserved by all.

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RIGHT SIZED

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No one I know can right size a moment or situation like Michael Sulsona, without question the person I love and trust most on the planet. Here’s an example. In the 1970s, the two of us were living in Seagate Brooklyn. I’d spent the day looking for a job and gotten no results. I dropped by Michael’s house. When I walked in he was in the process of lowering the needle onto a record when I said, “You don’t get any respect out there unless you got a suit and a good job.” The needle paused in mid-air. Without missing a beat Michael said, “Please, Peter, Nixon had a suit and a good job.” As I said, no one I know can right size something as well as Michael can.


Having said all this it comes as no surprise that it was a comment left by Michael on and earlier blog post (See Reflections at Stokes, published Dec. 8) that reminded me and hopefully others that those who betray us or use us deserve to rent as little space as possible in our minds and, I would add, our hearts. In a recent conversation, Michael talked to me about some of the choices available to me.



Michael knows, as well as anyone, that my commitment to fight for the right of all people to be treated equally in the world the live in is tenacious and permanent in my character. But, as he pointed out, I may be most effective with my writing and speaking skills than I can be with any of my current affiliations. He may well be right. He knows I am deeply disappointed and disenchanted with some of my current affiliations. He also knows that among the many bonds that he and I share, our relationship with our writing runs deep. Michael, I can tell you, is one of the best playwrights and screenwriters out there.


I think what I am talking about here in this somewhat disjointed essay is this. Each of us has a right to be who we are, who we really are. And sometimes the bullshit and bullshitters in life can distract us, sideline us, even derail us. But those mishaps do not deserve permanence. Even when some twit says something that riles up some old instincts and makes you want to take them outside and slap the shit out of them. I recently got an e-mail from a man named Aaron. No one I know betrayed people with brain injury any more than Aaron did. But I do believe in forgiveness because all of us, myself included, have misfired and made our mistakes. Yet when he wrote to me saying that even though I “fucked things up (at some point years ago)” he is willing to assist me. In response, my instinct was to offer to kick his ass.

But then I thought of Michael and realized that the unhealthy part of Aaron deserves no space in my head. Perhaps he doesn’t deserve these sentences other than to serve as an example of those we all run into in life who deserve to be tossed to the curb – or forgiven if he or others were able muster up the courage to apologize. I truly do believe in forgiveness.




At any rate, thanks for listening today. More soon. Take care of yourselves.

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LOVE YOU BROTHER

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Remember to say I love you to those you love. I don’t know what it is about those three often maligned and misused words, I love you, that makes them as special as they are, but I do believe that when they are meant, they should be said. Not only to the many who deserve to hear it, but by the many who deserve to say it.

My friend Frank died at 7:35 yesterday morning with the two he loved and who loved him the most by his side. Like many others, I loved Frank. And whenever I’d say, Love you Frank, he’d smile at me and say, Love you brother. And I knew he meant it. I can still hear his voice saying those words to me, Love you brother. He meant them too, all three of them.

The words I love you are remarkably hard for some of us to say. For still others, they are difficult to hear. Still others avoid the phrase because it is has been used as a tool for manipulation and, in some cases, cruel manipulation, in too many scenarios.

However, I think the only necessary guideline for saying it is honesty. Say it if you mean it. Your history, those who betrayed you, used the phrase to manipulate you in one way or another, denied your ever hearing the phrase, none of these people deserve so much control over you today that they stop you from saying it at all.

A woman I love very much said to me recently, “Peter, you love everybody.” Not true. Not by a long shot. Rest assured, there are people I don’t love and there I even people I dislike, some intensely. But what I do believe in is letting those you feel love for know it. While there is certainly such as thing as too much hate in the world, there is no such thing as too much love. However, there is such a thing as not enough love – and not enough expression of the love that is there.

The first game the Yankees played after Yankee captain Thurmon Munson’s tragic death in 1979 was in Yankee Stadium against the Baltimore Orioles. The Orioles catcher was Rick Dempsey, a former Yankee and back-up catcher for Munson. The Yankee manager was Billy Martin. Dempsey sent a note to Martin in the Yankee clubhouse before the game. In it he told Martin that he, like so many others, loved Thurman and he, like so many of us, did not always remember to tell people he loved that he loved them. And so, in this note, he told Martin that he loved him.

And so if you love people in your life, whether you love them as friends or more, tell them. Use the words I love you – all three of them. I would ask the few of you who might feel saying I love you is a wimpy thing to do why saying it is so hard for you to do? Were it an act of weakness, to say them, it ought to be easy, no?

Take care of yourselves in life. Love each other as best you can. And when you do, say so.

I am going to miss you terribly, Frank.

Love you brother.
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REFLECTIONS AT STOKES

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In a quiet cabin in New Jersey’s Stokes State Forest my mind can unclench and breathe. This year has been the most grueling one for me in many years. However, lest you think I am on the pity-pot, think again. When one begins to break free of the emotional bruising of betrayal, and proceeds to fracture the grip some of the greedy have had on his (or her) life, a welcome sense of freedom and possibility emerges.

This sense of freedom and possibility is an independence reborn. In the magic place linked so powerfully to my father, I can sit and watch the flames dance in the wood stove and let my mind, heart, and soul, relax, breathe, ponder the possibilities. And there are many.

I am rethinking all my connections and relationships in life. I think I remain linked to some more out of habit and ritual than need and desire. I don’t know how this process will tease itself out, but it’s just a matter of time before it does.



I am starting with those things I know for sure. The realities that are, for me, the non-negotiables. Realities I will not relinquish and, in some cases, defend with my life.



My friendship with Michael Sulsona along with his sons Vincent and Philip will never end. We are all more than friends. Michael and I refer to each other as brothers from time to time and the boys have grown up calling me Uncle Peter. And they are, in my heart, my nephews.



There are others in my life who I love very much too. But those who know me well and know me deep, know that Michael and his boys have a place in my heart and soul like no one else. Why? We are, in the real heart-meaning of the word, family.



There are other non-negotiables as well. An obvious one would be this; I will give up my sobriety for no one. Moreover, I will, with all my might continue to work against our society’s addiction to violence as well as the right every person has to be who they are fully and safely in the world. In other words, I will not set aside my penchant for working against the unhealthy forces of bigotry. I can tell you that I am taking a look at how best to do that.



Anyway, enough for now. I’ll talk to you more soon, in the meantime, be well, take care of yourselves…and remember to live.



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