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About Peter Sanford Kahrmann

Writer, disability rights advocate, civil rights advocate.

Walkin’ whisper dreams

Walk me soft stepping rhythm

Someone sees shifting soft

Times worth knowing

Chanting up the drive

Walkin’ whisper dreams

*

Sadness fades early morning’s

Hinting sun blooms shape shifting

Love dancing on the bridge sings

Hope comes rising

Walkin’ whisper dreams

*

Deep bass drives soul center true

Treble ripples  surface waters

Waves split blue gray white

Spread grains of sand walkers

Walkin’ whisper dreams

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Dreams knocking on distant doors

Where secrets still hidden

Beg for freedom’s freedom

Beyond history’s call I’m

Walkin’ whisper dreams

*

Loyalty in the cross hairs

Nothing unique in saying the beginning of a year is a time of reflection, planning, gauging possibilities, setting a goal or two, among other things. For reasons I’m not inclined to study closely, I found myself thinking about a conversation  I once had with a close friend of mine. Obviously the following is not verbatim, but it certainly captures the essence of things.

Close friend: Why do you stay loyal to people that are not in your life and have in one way or another wounded you?

Me: Well, I don’t stay loyal to everyone who has been in my life but the ones you are talking about are people who, if one knew their history, have been badly wounded in life. Parents dying way too soon, spouse dying, a victims of violent crime, abuse, and so on. It’s not lost on me how desperate one can become when all hell breaks loose so I let them know, if that happens, I’ll be there.

CF: But some of these folks have been pretty nasty to you. Callous, flat out mean at times.

Me: That doesn’t mean I don’t genuinely care about them. Also, the fact I’d help someone in no way means I’ll let them back into my personal life. Only if they own their wounding treatment of me and apologize would I consider that.

CF: But still, why the loyalty?

Me: Because few if any are all one thing. And the few people I retain this loyalty for have qualities to their character that in my mind make them rather extraordinary. I care about them. Having said that, they’d be foolish – anyone would be, actually – to mistake my niceness or my compassion for weakness. I won’t put up with nastiness or dishonesty aimed at me. Doesn’t matter who’s doing the aiming.

CF: But wouldn’t you feel taken advantage of?

Me: The thing is, it’s not about me, it’s about someone getting through a patch of hell in their life. I’ve been on my own, completely on my own, since I was 15. Facing the trauma life dishes out alone is brutal. If one of these people were in crisis and reached out to me, I’d find turning my back on them far more unbearable to live with than helping them.

Books read 2014

  1. “The Brothers Karamazov,” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  2. “Oh What a Paradise It Seems, by John Cheever
  3. “Back to Blood,” by Tom Wolfe
  4. “Charles Dickens His Tragedy and Triumph” by Edgar Johnson
  5. “Master and Commander,” by Patrick O’Brian
  6. “Still Life with Bread Crumbs,” by Anna Quindlen
  7. “The Waterworks,” by E.L. Doctorow
  8. “A Christmas Carol,” by Charles Dickens
  9. “Marry Me: A Romance,” by John Updike
  10. “Saint Maybe,” by Anne Tyler
  11. “Bech” A Book,” by John Updike
  12. “Post Captain,” by Patrick O’Brian
  13. “Villages,” by John Updike
  14. “H.M.S. Surprise,” by Patrick O’Brian
  15. “The Best Times: An Informal Memoir,” by John Dos Passos
  16. “Tolstoy: A Russian Life,” by Rosamund Bartlett
  17. “The Selected Letters of Charles Dickens,” Frederick W. Dupee
  18. “The Chimes” by Charles Dickens
  19. “Suttree” by Cormac McCarthy
  20. “Dry Bones in the Valley,” Tom Bouman
  21. “The Troubled Man,” by Henning Mankell
  22. “Faceless Killers,” by Henning Mankell
  23. “The Man from Beijing,” by Henning Mankell
  24. “Jar City,” by Arnaldur Indrioason
  25. “The Garner Files: A Memoir,” by James Garner
  26. “The Dogs of Riga” by Henning Mankell
  27. “Sidetracked,” by Henning Mankell
  28. “The Fifth Woman,” by Henning Mankell
  29. “The White Lioness,” by Henning Mankell
  30. “One Step Behind,” by Henning Mankell
  31. “The Man Who Smiled,” by Henning Mankell
  32. “Sweet Thunder,” by Ivan Doig
  33. “Italian Shoes,” by Henning Mankell
  34. “Firewall,” by Henning Mankell
  35. “Tea-Bag,” by Henning Mankell
  36. “A Treacherous Paradise,” by Henning Mankell
  37. “An Event in Autumn,” by Henning Mankell
  38. “What’s Bred in the Bone,” by Robertson Davies
  39. “Before the Frost,” by Henning Mankell
  40. “The Return of the Dancing Master,” by Henning Mankell
  41. “The Mind’s Eye,” by Hakan Nesser
  42. “Woman with Birthmark,” by Hakan Nesser
  43. “Borkmann’s Point,” by Hakan Nesser
  44. “The Return,” by Hakan Nesser
  45. “The Inspector and Silence,” by Hakan Nesser
  46. “Munsters Fall” by Hakan Nesser
  47. “Regeneration,” by Pat Barker
  48. “Sun and Shadow,” by Ake Edwardson
  49. “The Emperor of Ocean Park,” by Stephen L. Carter
  50. “Never End,” by Ake Edwardon
  51. “Frozen Tracks,” by Ake Edwardson
  52. “Sail of Stone,” by Ake Edwardson

Finding Lisa

If you’ve had some luck in life (and I hope you have) some extraordinary people have been in your life. Sometimes years may pass without connecting with them.  If and when you do reconnect, and discover the bond remains unbroken, you realize how delicious and beautiful life can be.

It seems I’ve had some luck. Yesterday I spent nearly three hours on the phone with Lisa and the bond between us is clearly unbroken. I’d been trying to find her for some time with little success. Finally, it occurred to me, why not write to her old address? The place she lived when we were first connected in life, when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, when she was 15 and I was 17.

It worked!

While the fact we genuinely loved each other may not seem particularly special (it was) or come as a surprise, we were also friends. We genuinely liked each other.  We really talked, valued each others opinion. We pursued what interested us, even if others may not have understood. If you’d been looking for us in June 1972, say, you would have found us hunkered down in her family’s garage watching the Bobby Fischer vs, Boris Spassky word chess championship. We watched every single game and loved every minute of it.

One of the things that joined us back then was neither one of us were (or are) followers. We very much marched to the beat of our own drums and we were lucky enough to notice our rhythms matched. Neither of us had to sacrifice self in order to connect in life.

I suppose I should not have been surprised to hear she has the same voice. It has an enchanting quality. A reality that makes her very-direct and very funny sense of humor even more entertaining, and adds a layer of solidity when her formidable levels of intelligence, compassion and perception are on display.

During our conversation yesterday I thought, No wonder I fell in love with her. I thought of the line in the Jackson Browne song, “Hold On Hold Out,” I love you. Well just look at yourself…what else would I do?

It didn’t take very long in yesterday’s conversation to realize Lisa is still someone I very much love, like, and deeply respect. For all of us the glass of life is half empty and half full. Yesterday I was reminded how absolutely wonderful the half full part is. A joyous reality if ever there was one.

NY State’s assault on NYers with brain injuries continues unchecked

The New York State Department of Health is refusing to release the names of the people  drafting the new manual for the state’s Traumatic Brain Injury Waiver.  To his credit, Deputy DOH Commissioner Mark Kissinger has revealed the state’s  opinion of New Yorkers with brain injuries, particularly those participating in the TBI Waiver. He ignores them. He now ignores written requests for the names of those DOH staff (and contract employees, if any, are involved) designing the TBI Waiver Manual. Moreover, the DOH, thus far,  has not honored a Freedom of Information Law request for the names filed by this writer.

The TBI Waiver is a Medicaid program designed to keep those with brain injury disabilities living in the community and to help others return to the community. Kissinger, who has more than once and no doubt will again profess DOH’s desire to work with all stakeholders – has proven that assertion to be glaringly disingenuous. It’s too bad because the likes of the Brain Injury Association of NY State, the state’s Traumatic Brain Injury Services Coordinating Council, Disability Rights New York (the state’s protection and advocacy agency),  the Kahrmann Advocacy Coalition, along with people with brain injury disabilities, their  families a friends, experts in the field of neurology, and more,  are all willing and eager to work collaboratively with the DOH. The DOH is not interested in collaborating with anyone.

Disrespecting New Yorkers  with brain injury disabilities is nothing new for the DOH. Things have gotten even worse under Governor Andrew Cuomo. Several, who have asked not to be named out of fear of reprisal from the governor, have said Cuomo is something of a bully. I’m not surprised. It would be nice to learn otherwise, but actions speak louder than words and given that Cuomo has a well-earned and even admirable reputation for keeping close tabs on all state agencies, it is impossible to believe he is unaware of the DOH’s disrespectful and ruthless treatment of NYers with brain injury disabilities, not to mention the similar treatment the state inflicts on those waiver providers struggling to provide the best services for their clients. There has not been an increase in reimbursement rates for them since 2007 and providers receive zero reimbursement for training their staff in brain injury.

All this brings us back to the DOH’s refusal to release the names of those designing the TBI Manual. I suspect one of the underpinnings for the refusal is this: those developing the manual have no expertise whatever in the brain or brain injury. A sickening and scary truth.

Please don’t think this is the only example of the DOH savaging the rights of New Yorkers with brain injuries.  Until November 2011,  if you filed a complaint related to the TBI Waiver you were never ever informed of the outcome of the complaint. If you were a waiver participant and your rights were denied in some way or you’d been abused or had your belongings stolen by a staff member and you filed a complaint with the DOH, you were never told the outcome of the complaint. The DOH acknowledges this. And, when it claimed to have changed this policy, agreeing to inform participants of the outcomes of their complaints, one DOH official admitted  the DOH was unable to provide the outcomes for the thousands of complaints previously filed. Given the waiver came to New York in 1995 were talking about complaints filed over a span of 16 years whose outcomes will never be provided to the complainants. Interestingly,  the DOH official who openly admitted the DOH was unable to provide the outcomes to these complaints was none other than Deputy Commissioner Mark Kissinger, the very same DOH official who now ignores requests for information New Yorkers legally have a right to.

You wonder if the likes of Kissinger and Cuomo forget they work for New Yorkers. Perhaps they simply don’t care.