Category Archives: humor

Smerkle Grumpy Punchin’ Pumpkins!

Posted on by
Reply

Note to reader: It has been some time since Smerkle Grumpy, an occasional “guest” here, has penned something for this page. However, his dislike of Trump has gotten him arrested three times. Something to do with pumpkins. Don’t ask me. I’ll let him explain.

***

“Pumpkins. Keep me away from pumpkins. And I don’t mean those once a year Halloween jack-o’-lanterns that have some really cool faces carved into them by carving out parts so maybe you have this wild-eyed jack-o’-lantern looking at you, lit from inside by a candle. They really are a sight to behold.

Anyway, this is not about jack-o’-lanterns. This is about straight up uncooked sitting there on the aisle or farm or wherever the hell pumpkins like to sit, but mostly when I pass’m in the supermarket.

They have arrested me three times in markets because of Trump who’s as orange as it gets. I’m telling you, three times in the same fucking supermarket, I failed to quell the urge to punch out the first pumpkin in reach. Just three of’m. One punch each caves their chests in. Boom! Boom! Boom! Of course this doesn’t go over well with the supermarket manager.

There was a nice moment that really took me by surprise. When I was being arrested the third time, right before they were taking me out, I wasn’t in handcuffs. It was the same two cops as the first two times. There was no animosity in the air at all. It was just, no, you can’t destroy the store’s produce with repercussions. Anyway, that’s when this nice moment happened.

As I was leaving with the two officers the third time, the store manager came up to me and handed me a bag containing three pumpkin, smiled and said, “Three pumpkins for you to knock out. On us, Mr. Grumpy.” A gentleman truly, if ever one was born, that store manager”

~ Smerkle Grumpy ~

Shady in the house

Posted on by
Reply

– How long you called Shady?

– All memory long, or thereabouts.

– Nice sound.

– Been trustworthy from jump street, so there’s some humor in it.

– Like jazz notes, the sound. Shay-dee. Shaaaaay-deeee. 

– Saxophone.

– Clarinet, could be.

– Absolutely, yes.

– It’s a good name.

– Thank you, man.

– You’re thinking these days?

– It’s like Benjamin Franklin said when some folks asked him what kind of government the new constitution created. “A republic, if you can keep it.” We’re going to find out if we can keep it.

– This president.

– Does not want the republic.

– Shady’s a good name.

– Thank you.

– Jazz.

– Clarinet.

– Shaaay-deeee.

Marty & Sheila (a divertimento in the key of dialogue)

Posted on by
Reply
  • No, Sheila, it’s not that. I want to know for a couple a reasons.
  • More than a couple.
  • No doubt, no doubt. I just need to know if I am the only one in this experience. Think of it as an alignment thing. If I’m out here standing on a rock by myself, having this experience, okay. I’m not worried about me, per se, but it’d be helpful if I could understand how I got standing on this rock by myself. I’m in my sixties. The mind can go, you know. I’d like to try to keep mine in the front yard. If I’m not standing alone on the rock, or you’re in sight of it, how do you explain this?
  • We’re friends, close friends. What kind of rock is it? Is it a nice rock?

Final straws

Posted on by
Reply

Those chilled or are they warm last moments. Last moments sought after so many final straws untended. You’ve seen too many make that choice, infinite silence, the eternal blank, or so you’ve come to believe. Correct or not, you’ll never know until the switch is flipped.

This perpetual process of getting up again and again and again. The words stay down would be a hug were they in your nature. This day in the supermarket, you inside the glass shell, watching faces smiling, a middle-age woman and young man happy to unexpectedly see each other hug and laugh. You turn your cart quickly into an aisle, trembling, fighting back tears, in your glass shell. Invisible.

Has it finally happened? Are you, after all these years finally (Could it be, thankfully? Survival is exhausting) collapsing into pieces, dust to dust?

And then, out of the corner of your eye, a sign in produce reading, Ripe Ass Avocados.  You  look at the sign. Ripe Hass Avocados, not Ripe Ass Avocados. You begin to laugh. You are smiling and laughing. You share the misread story with a few customers in the checkout line. People, cashier and bagger, laughing.

Back home, putting away the groceries, better now, you pause. Think. Saved by a sign. This time.

Final straws. They’re everywhere.

Waitin’ For the Bully

Posted on by
Reply
The doctor says we need to rule out cancer. I cock one eyebrow and say, No shit. He looks up, smiles and says, I think we’ll be okay here but I’m a little worried so best we’re careful. I say, I’m all for careful, bro.

I am surprised I am not surprised and not scared – just pissed. The day is beautiful and I am still in a good mood and the music that pumps pulsing from my car speakers on the ride home fills the air and as always my body moves to the rhythm. Need to rule out cancer, I think, and in a way I am glad because finally I can punch something straight in the mouth. I know the chance of cancer is not huge but knowing the possibility is on me for some curious reason makes me itch for a fight. Almost like I’ve learned a bully may be coming over and I’m thinking good because it’s been a long time since I’ve kicked somebody’s ass and this bully will do me just fine.

I am not worried about the possibility of this fight and realize this truth is a gift of sobriety. I know too there are people walking around these days who can thank my sobriety for the fact their legs have never been broken. The world of politics and advocacy can make you angry sometimes and sometimes, like I told Michael today, I miss the days when you can just challenge someone and throw hands.

Yes yes, I am glad those techniques of problem solving are many years behind me. But still… there are times when I see Dick Cheney – the man gives mens’ genitalia a bad name! – and realize I’d have no problem kicking his wimpy war criminal ass. And then there are others not so famous. One is this silk suited sugary sweet specious simp and, of course, others.

But you know what? I’m gonna go work on my garden today, plant some seeds indoors, listen to music, smile, and wait for the bully if he chooses to come to my door and, if he does – I’ll kick his ass.
_________________________________________________________________________________