LOL Proof all lawyers ain’t smart

I don’t often publish things I didn’t write in this blog, but a friend of mine sent this to me this morning and well before I was done reading it, I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face – enjoy. These excerpts are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts.”

The exchanges you are about to read are things  people actually said in court.

_____________________________________

1)  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

_____________________________________

2)  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

3)  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ

4)  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

5)  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

6) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

_____________________________________

7) ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

8) ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male

_____________________________________

9)  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

10) ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

11)  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you

go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

12)  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

13)  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:

14)  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law

___________________________________