LOL Proof all lawyers ain’t smart

I don’t often publish things I didn’t write in this blog, but a friend of mine sent this to me this morning and well before I was done reading it, I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face – enjoy. These excerpts are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts.”

The exchanges you are about to read are things  people actually said in court.

_____________________________________

1)  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

_____________________________________

2)  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

3)  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ

4)  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

5)  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

6) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

_____________________________________

7) ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

8) ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male

_____________________________________

9)  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

10) ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

11)  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you

go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

12)  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

13)  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:

14)  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law

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2 thoughts on “LOL Proof all lawyers ain’t smart

  1. Pretty funny stuff, hey peter aren't you speaking at the conference this year? I called the BIA people and asked. They told me they are downsizing the workshops from 25 to 15? So what does that have to do with you? I don't get it. Anyway my co-workers and I aren't going this year, too expensive and really wanted to hear you speak.I hope eveything is alright with you.??Amy

  2. I think your views unfortunately are beginning to impact your position in an organization that I know has been very dear to your heart for the last 10 or so years. I remember when you were, excuse the phrase, poster boy; now I think you may be thought of now as the problem child. Agencies become very fearful when someone close to them becomes too outspoken and brings issues that they would rather not deal with into the public eye. They worry about their reputation, political alliances, funding,the list goes on. The end result is that they stop supporting you and the other survivors because they don't want to deal with the ugliness of the waiver service concerns. I believe there are a few agencies that will go out on a limb to protect the rights of these survivors.I know you will find them. It is a shame that instead of the so called educational workshops that these agencies run at their conferences, they do not have a place where people can air their feelings and try to find the answers together instead of running in the other direction. Good luck Peter. It is a tough road and you have ruffled a lot of feathers. Maybe you will find some couragous people out there willing to take on some of the problems you have outlined in your blogg. For the sake of all survisors, I hope so.Ed

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