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About Peter Sanford Kahrmann

Writer, disability rights advocate, civil rights advocate.

Memo to My Gay & Lesbian Brethren

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

The fact Maine voters this week rejected the notion of gay marriage doesn’t just reflect that fact that some have a way to go in realizing people are equal, and being equal means equal rights, and equal rights means people who are Gay and Lesbian have the right to marry. So know, as I suspect you already do, that your extraordinary efforts are not about attaining the right to marry, they are about helping people recognize and accept the right is already there.

We are all prone to seeing the glass as half empty at times and certainly this week’s loss is wrenching. But don’t allow it so much say it robs you of recognizing the wondrous truth that the question of gay marriage was on the ballot!

It is only a matter of time. Equal rights don’t come easy, but they come. So keep on trucking and, for what it’s worth, know that this pen has you backed all the way.

Which Life Am I?

Many of us struggle to make sense of what we experience as conflicting parts of ourselves. Our desire to be morally upright and ethically strong finds itself challenged by our deepest sexual desires, or our desire to smack someone in the mouth who has been brutal to us or, even worse, to someone we love. The deep desire some have to honor their experience of God  is often challenged by our most primal impulses.

So who are we? How do we resolve what we experience as contrary things? I believe we learn to realize and accept that all of the above makes the whole. That the separation of these things in our hearts and minds is driven by far too many misguided and oftentimes punitive belief systems. The all of your human experience makes the whole; there is no division. Our primal instincts are the very things that have kept our species going and the fracturing driven by dysfunctional belief systems is the very thing that will bring our species to its conclusion.

I’ve gotten to thinking about this because I am reading an amazing biography of Leo Tolstoy by Henri Troyat. I am early on in the book, but the struggle described above is one Tolstoy, at least when he is in his twenties, which is how old he is in the page I’m on, struggled mightily with. How can he please God while at the same time have and act on his carnal desires? Far too often religion, not God, demands we not be human. Carnal desire is a healthy thing and has been known to have a wee bit to do with why babies are born (duh).

The instincts to be sexually “out there”, as it were, or  to smack someone in the mouth, makes you human, not bad. It is your relationship with your instincts that makes the difference. I recently learned of a young woman who was shot at twice, the second shot shattering the drivers’ side window just after she entered the vehicle. Not only did I want to choke the individual who shot at her, I wanted to put one man who told the girl’s mother that she was being too dramatic because she was upset for her daughter right through a wall. Does this mean I would actually inflict physical damage on this man were I to meet him? No. It does mean, however, that I would get in his face and verbally rip into him.

My point is this. We are all human beings and this truth is a glorious gift. While we are wise and healthy to respect our fellow human beings, we are wise and healthy to respect ourselves too. And you don’t have to deny the all of your humanity to achieve this. I don’t give a damn what they say.

Give yourself permission to be you, that’s what you’re here for and, if there is a God, I suspect that is exactly what God would want. After all, God would know a helluva lot more about the life paths we should be on than some putz on a mission to control others.

Laundromats, Seniors & the Joy of New Friendship

These two are more proof that holding to the belief that aging diminishes the mind is just about as foolish (and tragic) an undertaking as one can find. I am at the laundromat because the belt on my dryer decided to break (perhaps boredom resulting from going round and round in one bloody direction for years caused it to snap, who knows.) when I am approached by a delightful couple who ask, "Is that your Rav outside?"  They are asking about my Toyota Rav4.

"It is," I say.

"How is it?" says the man, "We’re thinking about a new car."

"Let’s have a look," I say, and the three of us walk out to the car.

We introduce ourselves. They are Joe and Jean. He is 81, she is 82. They are both bursting with life, vitality, rapier sharp intelligence, and the kind of warm good humor and kindness you wish were present in all people. They met at the University of Connecticut. He was studying business, she was studying nursing. Joe is from Hastings on the Hudson in New York, just north of Yonkers. Like me, he is a Yankees fan. Jean is from Seymour Connecticut and seems to be  Yankees fan as well.

Soon they are sitting in my Rav, front doors open, as I explain the ins and outs of the vehicle. Next we three are simply standing and talking, the conversation delicious with content, curiosity, and the gift of mutual listening.

As we talk I realize I could be friends with these two in a heartbeat, and so I give each one of my cards and urge them to stay in touch. We talk aging. All three of us are well aware of the importance of exercise, though they are clearly more diligent about exercising than I am.

"You know what they say," Joe says. "You just walk a few blocks every day. Then add on a little at a time."

"When we’re home and watching TV, I just don’t sit there," Jean says. "I get up and walk around during commercials, keep moving."

"I like to park far away from the supermarket so I have to walk," I say. When they both nod their approval of this I want to hug them. I like these two.

"Building muscle is important too," Joe continues. "This fellow I read talks about fat being the fuel and muscle being the engine that needs the fuel. You build up some muscle, it draws from the fat. Even after you’re done, it keeps doing this until you get back to, well -"

"Your baseline," I say.

"Right, your baseline."

During this conversation they ask if I’ve heard of Sally Fallon and I say no.  "She’s done a lot of writing about processed food," Jean says. "They take all the good stuff out and put bad stuff in."

"Stay away from dried cereal," Joe says. I make a mental not to read up on Sally Fallon and avoid dry cereal until I learn more.

When I leave the laundromat we say our farewells. I feel a sense of sadness when I drive away, the little boy in me hoping they will write to me. I’d like to know them and spend more time with them.

At any rate, if you are one of the far too many who by choice and deed marginalizes the seniors in this country, let me say two things to you. You should be ashamed of yourself and I bet you eat too much dry cereal.

**********

For all Seniors, keep on walking and the hell with the naysayers.

A Head’s Up to NFL’s Goodell & Smith

National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith, executive director of the N.F.L. players association, should have their heads examined.

Asked by a member of a Congressional Committee if he believe head injuries can lead to dementia, the where-did-I-leave-my-IQ-this-time Goodell said, “The answer is, medical experts would know better than I do.”

As one who has lived with a head injury for more than 25 years and worked in the field for 15 of those years, the NFL’s lack of response to the life threatening and life damaging presence of head injuries is a disgrace and ought to be against the law. In fact, given the amount of evidence documenting the danger of blows to the head, why not charge some folks with manslaughter, or second-degree murder?

Smith rides the same “train” as Goodell. Smith said while the players will bargain for safety, they “will not bargain for medical care.” Are you kidding me? The NFL is an $8 billion dollar a year business, given the amount of brain damage done to players as a result of hard hits, Smith thinks bargaining for medical care is a no go?

Let me dispel a myth held by some straight away. Brain injuries, which is what head injuries are, don’t go away. They don’t heal and get all better like a cut on the finger. They are permanent, and their impact on someone’s life changes over time. Just a few years ago I could work full time without much of a problem. Now, fatigue related to the injury has reached a point where I can’t work full time anymore.

Goodell and Smith should have their heads examined, and once what I suspect to be true is established, that both heads are empty, they should be replaced.

Until Tomorrow’s On

Let me swing your taste in movement and swirls, the skin on skin shifting until light returns, making magic ‘neath the covers until tomorrow’s on.

Sing your dancing words close to my ear, telling secrets for no one but me, making magic in the sunshine until tomorrow’s on.

Move me tender in sweet words embrace, you’re the shift-shift rhythm of jazz,  and we’re dancing magic until tomorrow’s on.

What’s that you say, there’s more to come, dancing in the night-time sun, we’ll be making magic until tomorrow’s on.