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About Peter Sanford Kahrmann

Writer, disability rights advocate, civil rights advocate.

We Never Said Goodbye

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Feet striding on pavement cold stride for a man and stride for the old

Cold hands clap and memory’s fade the tombstone drifts in the evening shade

Songs of peace and songs of war don’t mean a thing to me anymore

I know good and I know bad the last is all now since what we had

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Where have you gone doesn’t anyone know 

Nobody warned me there’s no place to go

Where have you gone I can’t stop the day

We never said goodbye we never had our say.

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Hunger’s rhythm is hard to do I’m survivin’ it’s beat for no one but you

Strangers pass me by not sayin’ not a word not even a hi

Dylan sings Like a Rolling Stone knowing dreams like these you go alone

I would give my life to see your face one more moment one more embrace

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Where have you gone doesn’t anyone know 

Nobody warned me there’s no place to go

Where have you gone I can’t stop the day

We never said goodbye we never had our say

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For you, Dad.

Second Chances

Escaping the moment of death can be a life changing experience for the better. Some might think escaping the moment of death is always a life changing for the better, but sadly this is not so. Many who have had this moment, I am one of them, are initially filled with gratitude and pledge new beginnings and then, when the immediacy of the event fades, we drift back into our old patterns. I know I did.

The question is what stops so many of us from reclaiming our lives in a way that lasts and truly frees of us of unhealthy life patterns and lifts us into healthy life patterns. I think the answer here is often found in the message or messages we’ve received in life that told us we are worthless. For some of us, these messages were inflicted by members of our family. Still others may have received these messages in other life arenas. I know, for example, that during my days of homelessness I was, more often than not, treated by the world as if I had less value than dirt.

Messages from our personal histories that impede our ability to experience our value and worth need to be banished. If not checked and eradicated, they can damage and even end our lives. They don’t deserve this kind of power. In fact, they deserve no power at all.

I was able to discover or rediscover my value when I got sober. I can’t tell anyone else what they should or shouldn’t do to discover or rediscover their value. However, I can tell you that you are wise to surround yourself with people who know your value and love you for it, people who are unflinchingly honest and will let you know when the villain messages are controlling you.

Whether you have the courage to listen is up to you.

Always the Page

I suspect I am not alone in being a writer who finds comfort in knowing the page is always there. Sometimes intimidating, sometimes welcoming, it is ever present, and that, for me, is a good thing.

I’ve been riding the page for a long time now. Through good times and bad, times of gain, times of loss, new beginnings and gut wrenching ends, I keep riding the page,  a promise unbroken. 

On this page I can visit and leave, smile and frown; flip someone the bird when they’re letting me down, and so it goes when I’m riding the page, the promise stays unbroken.

The cuts from some expected and some not get cast to the side when riding the page because here stand the borders to me, the perpetual motion of thoughts to be said and feelings to be spoken.

Always the page, no matter the broken, always the page for dreams to be spoken.

 

My Man On The NYC Street

Okay, so you’re walking down a busy city street, a street crawling with people, traffic, noise, horns honking, people chattering, laughing, yelling, talking on cell phones, talking to other people, real and imagined, and you’re tired and you want so sit down for a rest. Where would you want to sit? How does the middle of the street suit you? Someone with too much time on his or her hands came up with that very idea in New York City. I’m not kidding.

On my recent trip to NYC I walked through a section of Manhattan where there were islands of pavement in the middle of the avenue where people were sitting at tables and some, to my utter astonishment, were sitting in folding chairs staring out into space, oblivious to the frenetic insanity swirling around them. Bless them, I couldn’t do it. On one side, cars drove past them and on the other side, bicyclists and pedestrians scurried by. Sidewalks be damned!
The whole thing struck me as surreal. I kept walking thinking that while I am glad I am living in the country, it was nice to visit my old home town and reacquaint myself with the fact there is something inherently charming, independent, and deliciously quirky about New York City folk.

I don’t remember what street I’d passed when I saw him. A man that looked to be in his late thirties, early forties, wearing a light colored suit and sitting in a folding chair in the center of one of the aforementioned islands. A man with a wonderful face rich with character. Something about him made him stand out, like something in a what’s wrong with this picture? illustration or, in this particular case, what’s right with this picture? What was it about this man that so powerfully drew my attention?

I couldn’t figure it out. What was it? The world swirled around him, cars honked, people walked past him and he seemed utterly unruffled by it all. And then it hit me, he was in a state of complete and utter serenity. There he was, my man in the street, the world going crazy around him and he was in his own state of nirvana. I found myself wanting to grow up and be just like him.

I am memorized, transfixed, enchanted. He reaches into his inside suit jacket pocket, checks a note he has written down, and returns it to the pocket, his face calm, thoughtful, peaceful, a folded newspaper held gently in his hands. Me thinking, How does he do it? This guy’s my hero. There are moments a bit of humor seems to float to the surface of his mind, and his face, which is wonderful in shape, form and character, don’s the expression of one who has settled on a tasty morsel of amusement.

When he, and at times others near him, but not too near, find a sight or sound attractive, of interest, he slowly turns his head and gazes in its direction, his focus fixed, contemplative, and, to me, most wonderful of all, peaceful.

And then I realize what it is I like so much about this man. His independence of spirit. He is where he wants to be and is clearly comfortable in his own skin. And so I am reminded by this man I have come to believe is a good and decent soul that peace and tranquility can be found anywhere, even in a the center of a New York City street surrounded by traffic and all the attending chaos. And this is a good thing. While I can never again find that kind of peace in the city I still love with all my heart, it warms my heart to know some people can, like my man in the street.

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Photos by author

So Fuck You

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I am the blood cut word now

The slid back movement

On the run I am

Personified weariness muscle

So fuck you

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I am the angered moment rising

The bare faced wonder

On the shifting page I am

All the borning letters

So fuck you

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I am powered legs striding

The inhaler of earth sounds

On rhythmic runs I am

Freedom dancing music

So fuck you

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I am the wound you want to know

Split skulled and waiting in the safety

Of your home I am

The road you never travelled

So fuck you

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I am muscled hills exploding color

The unbowed tear on a glorious

Day singing out I am

All my life now

So fuck you

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