Tag Archives: loss

Love ain’t easy, but…

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Fully giving and accepting love is not always the easiest thing to do. It can be downright scary for understandable reasons given the rough sledding so many of us of have gone through in life. However, as far as I’m concerned to love and to be loved is life’s most precious gift. Especially love between people. I make a point of singling out love between people because,  if you’ll permit me the use of a cliché (there’s a reason it is a cliché), love is everywhere.  To wit, I love books, good writing. There are written passages so beautiful they bring me to tears; I’d hold them in my arms if I could. There’s music I love. Music so beautiful my heart beats faster and sweet-shiver chills run up and down my spine. And then, of course, nature herself. Nature is the whole of life and love is a part of the whole. Love is nature’s finest creation, the ability to give and receive love,  its most singular reward.

For the so many of you (and I am in your number) whose hearts and souls are bruised and bloodied by love lost, by the absence of love, by the slings and arrows of those so damaged they’ve come to believe they are incapable of healthy love, by those so internally mangled and misshapen they are, in fact, cruel, I say to you, don’t lose hope. The wounds of history deserve only so much decision making power. Our histories teach us caution. Good. Yes. They teach us to have  the patience to discover what is real and what is not, what is true and what is false. Good. Yes. But they do not deserve so much decision making power they make us shut down, enact the off switch.

So, my dear reader. Give yourself permission to love and receive love knowing that no love between people can be if we do not accept each other and ourselves for who we are. Again, no love between can be if we do not accept each other and ourselves for who we are.

And then there is this ineffable truth; you deserve to be loved and you deserve to give love. Perhaps in this moment you are unclear on this or don’t believe it. Perhaps you’ve been so thoroughly pulverized by the brutality in life you think it impossible. Perhaps you grapple with a combination of all of these. Well, I’ve got good news. Because it may feel impossible does not mean it is impossible, it means that’s how it feels. Because you may, at this moment, be unclear, does not mean clarity is not there for you to discover – it is. And because, right now, you don’t believe it does not mean it is not worthy of belief. Consider, for a few moments, the content of the last sentence which comes right now.  This piece was written, with love, for you.

Relationship Jail Cells

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Many years ago I wrote a script that went nowhere called It Was Your Heart I Wanted. The story was about a woman confronted with the possibility of entering a relationship but found herself fearfully hesitant because her last relationship had been such a brutal one. An all too common reason for hesitancy many have when facing the possibility of new love. And so, in a very real way, they are trapped in the jail cells of prior relationships. I called the piece It Was Your Heart I Wanted because I do believe most of us can say that and mean that when we enter into a relationship.

But there is another kind of relationship jail cell. The relationship we are are already in, we know are not happy, and yet we stay in them anyway. The love may be gone, if it was ever there, and the environment is toxic, but we stay. Blessedly, I am not in this situation and after nearly seven years of sobriety would disengage from a situation like this were I in one. But, believe me, I’ve been in toxic relationship jail cells before.

I know a few people who are in them now.

I know one extraordinary person who is an American History buff. I mean this is someone who really knows and loves American History. But their spouse stops them from any involvement with history clubs or other people who love history. I know another person who is in a relationship with someone they like but don’t love but figures the person is good to the kids so why not.

I level no harsh judgment towards anyone who is trapped by their history in a way that stops them from daring to love and daring to be loved. What I will say is this. All of us have the right to love and be loved, and no one’s history deserves so much say it stops them from experiencing the heart-and-soul wonder of a relationship that works gloriously, and believe me, there are relationships like this in the world. I know people who are in them.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll take the risk of loving and being loved. My history be damned. If the possibility of a deep-in-the-heart relationship is there, I don’t want to miss it, at least not because of my history.

AS FOREVER AS I AM

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The loss we feel when a loved one dies reminds us they are not gone. Yes, it is true, they are gone physically, but it is equally true that we would not feel their loss in the first place were they not still present, still alive and well in our hearts and souls.

I do believe this. And while there may be those who see this belief as a form of denial or avoidance, I respectfully and firmly wave off both interpretations. I know me well and I know I would not be alive today were denial or avoidance leading voices in the person that is me.

As I ponder the experience of loss, watch others go through it, absorb its penetrating realities, I am humbled and grateful that we can feel it when it happens. While not an altogether pleasant experience by any means, it does have its tender moments. There is a just and poignant intimacy in the loss experience. An intimacy we deserve when a loved one dies because it reminds us that person’s presence is still alive and well within us.

I know what I wanted to say here; although I am not sure I’ve said it very well. I went to a memorial service for my friend Frank today. I love him very much. I am quite sure his presence in my heart and soul is as forever as I am.

Dedicated to Jane Pierce
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THANK GOD FOR MIRRORS

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Thank God for mirrors, they remind me I am still here. When you are struggling with depression and your body has been jumped by the flu, it is easy to believe that you are alone in the world and, if you are not careful, doubt that you even exist in the first place. My fight with the flu is approaching two weeks. My struggle with depression has been going on somewhat longer. How long, I am not exactly sure. What is its cause? I would say loss and the recognition of betrayal.

In a memoir I am working on there is a line the begins, “Loss wields a merciless scythe…” And so it does. It happens to us all and is sometimes, too many times, generated from unexpected quarters. But it is part of life, not the end of life. If you find yourself in a battle with depression, it may feel like everything is gone. It is not. Look in a mirror, you are still here. And that, my dear reader, is a good thing. You may not think so or feel so at the moment, but hang in there, it is true, the world is better off with you in it.

Thank God for mirrors, they remind me I am still here. And that is a good thing.