Love for Adele

adele-is-ridiculously-successful-for-her-age

Recently I asked a friend of mine if I was, in fact,  the last person in the United States to have heard about the remarkable singer and person named Adele. His answer, one he offered after he finally stopped laughing, was short and to the point.

“Yes.”

“Crikey!” I said. “I had a feeling.”

If, my dear reader, you are one of my ill-informed brethren, the Adele of which I speak is Adele Laurie Blue Adkins, born May 5, 1988, in Tottenham, anarea in  London, England. She’s 27.

Her first album, “19” was a smash hit. So was her second, “21.” As I write these words, her third album, “25,” is  the biggest selling album in the United States. It is my understanding it was released this November in the states and has now sold about six million copies, in the states.

And it is no wonder. This woman is rich with soul and spirit, and, in her songs, most of which she writes herself, possessed with what I would call an emotional and spiritual fearlessness.

With a voice ranging from center-of-the-soul deep to battle-cry powerful to silk-sweet gentle and more, I am hard pressed to find a place in the emotional and spiritual spectrum that she doesn’t – or can’t – reach.

It occurred to me that her lyrics may not get the credit for emotional honesty they deserve. In a time when honesty, of any kind, frankly, is in short supply on nearly every front, Adele’s lyrics are refreshing and,in some instances, deliciously creative. In “Chasing pavements,” a song she wrote with Eg White, a British musician, songwriter and producer, she sings:

“Should I give up? / Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements / Even if it leads nowhere?”

Then too, anyone on the planet who has had their heart pulverized when a relationship ends knows what she means when, in, “Someone like you,” a song she wrote with musician, songwriter and producer, Dan Wilson, she sings:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

But there is more to this woman that I genuinely love. Her compassion for others, her kindness is readily evident. When she appeared on NBC’s Today Show and saw the hundreds of people packing the streets outside she told them she wished she could come out and hug all of them — and she meant it.

When, for the BBC, she put on a disguise and joined others answering a call for what they believed was for Adele impersonators, her kindness and love for her, well, fellow contestants, once their jaw dropped and they realized who she really was, moved me to tears. Moved Adele and a number of the contestants to tears as well, I might add.

There is something truly joyous watching people’s dreams come true.

What I hope with all my might for Adele is this. That her dreams continue to come true. The she stays surrounded by people who care about her and love her because she is the person she is, not because she is, what the media calls a star. There is a part of me the feels protective of her. She is gloriously unfiltered in the way she interacts with the world around her, and one hopes those around her protect her from the predatory pigs that like to feed of the famous and wealthy. 

Now, one of the things I like about her is she had no problem at all dropping the F-bomb. I happen to be quite fond of the F-bomb and believe it to be a very effective word and enjoy it immensely. I enjoy it most when it is being used to punctuate a moment, or for comedic effect.

I think using it to wound, to back someone off, needs to be done sparingly. However, if anyone ever treats Adele as if she is nothing more than a star and not the genuinely loving and giving person she is, then I would urge her to open the bomb bay doors, and let the F-bombs fly.

Liars & tigers and…well… more liars

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you are going to lie to me, for God’s sake, make an effort. Put some work ethic into your bullshit.

Now, if you think maturity in years brings maturity of the mind, think again. I’m 62, and let me tell you, people in my age range spin tales of bullshit so ornate and obvious they’d make teenagers, struggling with how to stay wedded to the truth in a confusing, overwhelming world, feel a little less shitty about themselves.

I mean, anyone can tell a lie, it takes zero talent. In many instances all you have to do is, on some level, decide the person or persons you are lying to are not worthy of respect and then the next thing you have to do is utter anything you know to be false. Takes no talent at all. Rich or poor, short or tall, big or small, male or female, anyone can tell a lie.

What galls me is when people lie to me so transparently. So blatantly, in fact, I’d have to have the IQ of some poor sod who really does think Donald Trump is an honest man not to know they’re lying.

Some years ago a woman I was in a relationship with said she had to leave the relationship because she’d been in relationships for so many years in a row she needed to experience life on her own. Perfectly understandable. Worthy of compassion, were it not for the fact she was already in her next relationship when she mentioned this to me, and were that next relationship not one of  two she would be in in as many months.

And then, of course, there is the woman who goes to great lengths to let me know she is grateful for the safe haven of our friendship, because she is just months out of a long term relationship and is, understandably, in no shape to take on a romantic relationship in the near future. Which makes her decision to put a profile on a dating site announcing a desire to be in relationship all the sadder.

I suppose, on some level, people fear being honest because they think if they really let their truth show, and tell the truth, the world will turn its back on them. The thing is, turning their back on you is not and instinct to be found in someone who genuinely loves you, someone who really is your friend. However, if you lie to them, you leave them little choice.

 

 

 

Fear of intimacy

They are wounded.

Keep this in mind when you see or experience people — or yourself — hiding or running from real intimacy in a relationship.

I am not talking solely about physical intimacy or love-making intimacy. I say love-making intimacy because people have been having sex for years without an iota of emotional and spiritual intimacy to be seen for miles. Physical intimacy, holding hands, holding each other, cuddling, simply touching, can be a steep climb for the badly wounded. Love-making intimacy, even steeper.

Avoiding intimacy takes many forms. One of the more common is when people enter into relationships with partners who are either unable or unwilling to be intimate. At times, this allows the partner seeking intimacy to both bemoan the absence of intimacy on the one hand without ever having to  be intimate on the other. Choosing to be with someone who can’t be intimate can be a way of avoiding intimacy in and of itself. This does not mean either person is aware of the intimacy-avoiding pattern they’re trapped in.

If emotional and spiritual intimacy were physical beings the amount of intimacy being lost could fill the Grand Canyon on a daily basis.

There are real reasons deserving of the deepest respect people fear intimacy. Almost without exception the fear revolves around the following truth. At some point in time, usually in childhood, but not exclusively so, you were in some way taught that being who really really are was dangerous. Emotionally, physically, or sexually dangerous. Someone you loved with all your heart died. You were abused physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually. Somehow, through no fault of your own (even if you are still making the mistake of holding yourself responsible (You’re not!)), you came to believe truly being yourself with someone else was dangerous.

For an array of reasons, I believed it was dangerous for me to be myself with someone for years. For me, getting free of this fear began with two understandings. First, getting free of this fear meant getting free of my history. Second, who deserves to be in control of my decision making? Me or my history?  I pick me.

Talking about the fear with someone is not only an immense help, it is necessary. Talk to someone: a psychotherapist, a member of clergy, a close friend. Now, for those who believe asking for help is an act of weakness, let me ask you something. If it is an act of weakness to ask for help, then why is it so hard to do? After all, if it was an act of weakness, asking for help would be easy. And, it’s not so much that I think each of us need the help. I think we damn well deserve it. Why? Because you deserve to get free of your history’s decision-making power. Promise.

If you love…

I had an ocean-wide crush on Julie Andrews when I was a boy and it was all for naught. You don’t get to choose who you fall in love with and, sadly dammit,  you don’t get to choose who falls in love with you. You do, however, get to choose how you respond to either reality. When two people realize they have  fallen in love with each other, the choices are relatively clear, if they are honest.

When one person falls in love with someone who has not responded in kind, the choices are again relatively clear, if honesty is the guide, though not always easy. But, perhaps, easier, though not pain free, if the love you feel is in fact, genuine. You cannot and and should not look to impose your will, to manipulate the other person into feeling the same way you do. The results of such an effort are never healthy. This last is not my instinct in the least.  I want and deserve to know someone loves me freely and truly.  Period. End of story.

There is another element to love, real love, as far as I’m concerned, that doesn’t seem to get the notice it deserves. Kindness. I don’t know how on earth you can love anyone without kindness being present. You don’t have to abandon loyalty to self to be kind. And, part of kindness, part of being kind, is supporting the other person’s right to be who they are safely and happily in life, regardless of your specific role in the person’s life.

The task is to find a way to love the person that is healthy for them and for you. There are times when the healthiest choice is to disengage from them. However, there are times when loving human connections find ways of flourishing, if they are given honest emotional soil from which to grow. Love can cause many beautiful relationships to bloom into beautiful “flowers.” Any angst you may feel at not always being able to choose the “flower” fades over time, if you really loved the person in the first place.

 

 

NY State Dept. of Health’s manipulation and deceit

Manipulative and deceitful behavior by New York State Department of Health officials Mark Kissinger and David Hoffman will help you understand why the Center for Public Integrity recently gave New York a D-minus in a recent ranking of states and corruption.

I’ll get to the above referenced behavior in just a second. First, some background.

Governor Cuomo’s DOH seems determined to destroy the lives of thousands by ending the state’s Traumatic Brain Injury Waiver – established by the governor’s father, Mario Cuomo – and the Nursing Home Transition and Diversion Waiver by forcing waiver recipients into managed care.

Waivers provide services that both allow residents to remain in or return to the community as well as grow their independence as much as they can.

Now, Hoffman and Kissinger have been hosting a series of workshops they say are designed to make the transition run smoothly.  With only a few exceptions, the DOH workshop membership largely made of those who, whether they’ll admit it on the record or not,  are all for the DOH’s brutal transition plan.

That waiver recipients and their families and along with honest waiver providers have made it clear the waivers need to be protected has, so far, had little effect. That nearly all the witnesses at a an October 8 public hearing hosted by the Assembly Health Committee, Mental Health & Developmental Disability Committee, and Task Force on People with Disabilities warned the state’s plan would have catastrophic results, has not dissuaded the governor, or the DOH, or the many pawns in the DOH work group in the least.

Manipulation and deceit

I recently attended one of the DOH work group meetings. They are public meetings and members of the public, like me, can attend. When the public was asked to comment, some of us did.  A couple of weeks ago I sent Kissinger an email asking him to please send me a listing of who was on the DOH Workgroup. He forwarded the request to Hoffman, and then, Hoffman emailed me the list.

To my surprise, I and other members of the public were listed as members of the work group! Wrong. I emailed Hoffman and asked him of the mistake, pointing out that you can’t list members of the public as being members of the work group because it’s not true. And, they did it without asking permission.

I figured Hoffman (the DOH) would recognize the mistake and correct it. Wrong again.

When Hoffman responded he wrote. “Everyone in attendance is welcome to participate in comments and questions (as you saw) and so are included in the listing.” In other words, if you are a member of the public, and during the public comment portion of the agenda, say something, we’re going to list you as a member of the work group and we are going to do it without your permission.

Subsequent emails to Hoffman and Kissinger asking them to stop this deceit have resulted in a response the DOH has honed to perfection. Silence.

Now that I think of it, the Center for Public Integrity was generous when it gave New York a D-minus. Hell, I think giving  New York an F would be generous.